Just Be

This week was an up and down one but I had some major breakthroughs.  The only good day I really had was Wednesday until that evening.  That was when I realized that I need to embrace the season I am in and just BE.  I have been trying to force myself back into my old life but it's impossible because I'm not that Cryssie any more.  Things are different, I am different.  I need to be ok with being hurt and unsure.  I need to be ok with it because that is when I am able to give it to the Lord and fully release it.  I need to accept it and be ok with not understanding it.  Not because I want to be broken but because of the One who can restore me.

We can only receive freedom when we can take that deep breath in and release it and then say, "ok Jesus, it's all Yours. All of the broken pieces, all of the hurt, all of the uncertainty, and all of my hopes and dreams are Yours."  It is only when we can surrender that He can take our broken pieces and make us whole again.

I don't have the answers to why we miscarried and that's ok.  I don't feel completely whole right now and that's ok.  I don't understand half of the emotions I go through on a day to day basis but that's ok too.  It's ok because where I might not know, He does and He wants me to just BE.  Even in my prayer time, He just wants me to BE.  He wants me to just be with Him in the silence.  He doesn't need me to grow or feel whole again right this second, He just needs me to be with Him in this season.  He placed me here and I have to trust Him.  

I'm so thankful that His beauty radiates more when we can see His face in the painful moments.

A Week Of Beauty

This week has been a stepping stone for me.  Where I still felt a pain in my heart, I was able to function better.  Monday was my hardest day.  I was in the office by myself most of the day and kept feeling pain overwhelm me throughout the day.  On the drive home, I felt so much sadness that I didn't think I could bear it any longer.  I got home and ran into my husband's arms and he comforted me.  His embrace reminded me that God has us and all is well in His plan.  We decided to go on a date to the movies.  I was able to experience joy again in our marriage.  We laughed and talked and I had fun with my husband again for the first time in weeks.  Thank You Jesus!

My sister came into town Tuesday and what a blessing her visit was.  We talked and spent good quality time together.  We laughed, cried, and shared private feelings that we have only shared with God and our husbands.  The time together was beautiful and I'm so thankful for her obedience.  God nudged her to come visit us and she obeyed.  He knew I needed the love of my big sister.  Thursday afternoon her and my Mom came over with pink and blue balloons.  I wrote messages on them and released them to the heavens.  I am confident that those messages made it to their rightful home.  

The days are getting easier and my moments of sorrow are getting fewer.  I'm not yet ready to try for baby #2 but I am prayerfully expecting God will tell me when it's time.  I'm thankful for His love and support.  I'm thankful for His grace and mercy with each passing day.  He makes all things beautiful and I will rest in that fact!  I am able to see so much of His beauty through this loss and I cannot thank Him enough for that.  

Thought Of The Day

If the enemy can't stop your blessing, he will try and steal your joy from it.  Some criticism comes as a distraction to rob what God has already given you.

Cynicism - A Hindrance To Joy

"Though joy is an amazing thing that expresses our trust in The Lord, sometimes our joy is hindered by cynicism. If we are not spending time with God daily through prayer, reading the Bible, or ministering to others, we get caught up in our own world and looking out for only ourselves. When bad things happen to us, we will quickly find a way to complain about it and over time we become cynical.

Think about it, when you are around someone who is joyful, they can impact you and literally change your day. Equally so, when you are around someone who is negative, they can have the same impact and crush your attitude for the rest of the day. It’s crazy to think of just how big of an impact we have on others.

As followers of Jesus, we have every reason in the world to be joyful. If we are being cynical at any time, we are not trusting Him and have forgotten about our first love. Be encouraged to continue going deeper in your relationship with Christ or perhaps, to return to your first love, where you will be satisfied with joy."

Author Unknown 

A Letter To The Baby I Never Met

I am so thankful for a husband who sometimes knows me better than I know myself.  I have had a hard time sleeping, being alone (mainly away from the hubby), and I have even had a hard time going into deep prayer.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry at God at all.  Recently, when I have prayed to my Heavenly Father, my heart hast felt more grief than I can bear.  How can I cry to Him when He lost His Son for me?  I felt selfish to cry to Him even though I know He knows my pain and He is a good good Dad and would never be mad at me for grieving!  So, I have kept my prayers over the past two weeks "The Lord's Prayer" so that I could still keep my line of communication open with Him, I mean He is my best friend.  I still feel that need to talk to Him all of the time! 

Last night, I had another sleepless night.  I read a book for about an hour and then laid in the dark in deep thought.  I remembered my husband encouraging me to journal and blog about what I'm going through. He said, "writing is your passion and so is helping others.  When you are ready and feel the tug, I encourage you to write and put yourself out there to be a light for others who have had a miscarriage."  I then, for the first time in the past two weeks; forced myself to pray.  It started out with thanking Him for my amazing husband and for the amazing support system I have had in the past couple of weeks.  I almost shut down again when the grief overwhelmed me but then I felt the tug from Him, "write a letter to your baby.....don't hide the impact he has had on you."  So, I did.  It's amazing when your Heavenly Father and your husband's wisdom aligns.  I felt so much peace after I wrote this and I was able to pray to Him in detail about my heart and I felt His love and comfort and for the first time, a first stitch in the mending of my heart.  You are such an awesome God!  Thank you Daddy!

A letter to the baby I never met……

I never met you in person but I met you in my heart.  I said “hello” to you the very same day I had to say “goodbye” to you and my world has not been the same since.  You, alone, have changed my life forever.  You have impacted my heart more than anybody ever could.  In one day I experienced love greater than I could know and grief that attacked my heart and spirit viciously.  The pain is real and the brokenness is brutal but God has beauty waiting for me but more importantly for you.  I can feel the impact of your short time in my life and it is something that I feel compelled to share and to not hold in.

1)         You have softened my heart in a way that I cannot even explain.  Life was perfect and things were great and in one day that shattered but it brought me to reality and reminded me that there are hurting people in this world.  It only takes one second for a heart to be broken and there are broken hearted people all around me.  I can’t change it but I have the capacity and heart to love harder and comfort more. 

2)         You confirmed I picked the perfect man to do life with.  I was already madly in love with him to begin with but these past couple of weeks have brought a deeper love for your daddy that I can’t even put into words.    

3)         You helped me to step up and speak out about the reality of the pain that comes from chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, multiple miscarriages, ectopic pregnancy, still birth, infertility issues and the pain that radiates from these things that so many women go through.  There are women struggling from this pain and we go unnoticed.  We suffer silently in fear that people will not understand us.  I understand and will be a listening ear and a compassionate heart for others.

4)         I know I have cried a lot lately and my heart has been heavy but rest assured little one, you have given me hope.  You have made a dream to have a family much more vivid.  You have propelled my faith and expanded my dreams in a way that only a child could. 

So thank you for changing me.  Thank you for allowing me to take care of you even for just a moment.  Thank you for allowing me to dream about you and to love you forever. I am still in the grieving and sadness process and I imagine a part of me always will be but during this time of sadness, I have been able to grasp on to the fact that you will forever be a part of who I am as a person.  If there was ever a question about whether a child is considered a life at conception; rest assured, my heart knows the truth.  I hope when you opened your eyes for the first time and saw Jesus that you felt peace and love all around you because that is what you deserve! 

Love Always,

Your Mommy

Thought Of The Day

"One of my convictions is that whatever you want to happen in the lives of the members of your groups, must happen first in the lives of your leaders." Bill Hybels

2015's Powerful Lesson Learned

Aside from learning how to balance the married life and an awesome new job....I learned a very powerful and life changing lesson! I learned that not everybody in your life is your cheerleader. I learned that who I associate with matters. I learned that loving yourself sometimes means loving certain people from a distance.

"He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm." 

Proverbs 13:20 

If you associate with negative people, you too will be negative. If you associate with hot heads, you too will be a hot head. If you associate with gossipers, you will gossip. If you associate with "haters", you will be a "hater".  

Towards the end of 2014, I was preparing for marriage. During that preparation, I made a promise to myself that I would love my husband and my marriage enough to no longer surround myself around those who's "love" was confusing or painful. I didn't want to bring that rejection or hate from others into my new marriage or my new home. I wanted to surround myself and my marriage around people who truly loved and supported us and those who inspired and encouraged us! This was a painful thing to do and experience but the rewards have been amazing!  

God has honored the decision of putting my husband and marriage first and wanting only healthy relationships in our lives! It is BIBLICAL to be mindful of our associations and to also FLEE from things or people that might help us stumble! 

"Now I urge you, brethren, keep your eye on those who cause dissensions and hindrances contrary to the teaching which you learned, and turn AWAY from them." Romans 16:17. 

It isn't selfish to want better for your life. It is WISE to be selective and to know who should be loved from a distance. Thank you God for all you have done for my husband and me! I will take these painful lessons and continue to grow in YOUR goodness and to focus on the relationships YOU want in my life!!!  

I encourage anybody who is struggling with letting people go that hurt you, reject you, disrespect you, or people who say they love you but act as if they hate you to cling to what is good and cling to GOD! Letting go of people you love is hard but once you are free, you are FREE. NOTHING is wrong with loving hurtful people from a distance! Let 2016 be the year that you associate with positive, God fearing, loving, and kind people! Let 2016 be the year you are set free from painful or destructive relationships and cling to God! He is the One who can set you free and show you REAL love! 

Happy New Year readers! May this be the year that all of your dreams come true!!