Maybe It's Not Them Leaving The Church.....

I recently read this article and thought it was amazing.  It came in my inbox at a time that I feel like I'm seeing things differently and this post helped me to feel....not so alone in this new step in my Christian walk.

If you disagree, no worries. This world is full of different opinions and outlooks.  This is just one that I ......now agree with. Had somebody showed this post to me a year or two ago, I would have been appalled and frankly very upset but today....wow, I relate.

NINE REASONS DISCERNING WOMEN ARE LEAVING YOUR CHURCH

Maybe it’s not that discerning women are leaving the church**, but that the church is leaving them.

Be Bold Enough To BE

Inspiration! Oh, I LOVE inspiration! Today I had a beautiful conversation with my sweet friend, Amanda. I reached out to her for prayer and she immediately responded with encouragement, hope and obedience.  She heard my heart and then took the time to pray and seek God for guidance before responding back to me....thankfully she did this and allowed the Holy Spirit to work in her heart before saying anything.  She was obedient to what He had spoken to her and I'm SO thankful she was.

In summary, she said she felt that God needed me to just "BE".  She said that she felt like I needed to stop trying so hard....stop trying to please God and others so much and just be me!  I knew something was going on inside of me but I didn't know what exactly and this just totally opened my eyes to what I was feeling.  I didn't even realize that THIS was my issue......THIS is why I was feeling so...... so lost.....

You see, we don't have to work hard to please Him.  He leads us and opens doors for us to use our gifts.  We don't have to try and impress Him or prove to Him that we are worthy.  For that matter, we don't have to prove this to anybody else either.  He has equipped us and He has already ordered our steps.  We don't have to try so hard to impress.  We are His precious gifts!

Today I chose to take a break from social media.  I need to just BE.  I need to find myself SO lost in Him that I don't feel the need to please.  This past year has backed me into a corner of self-doubt, pain, disappointment and confusion.  My heart hurts and at times I feel so lost and unsure.  I can choose to stay in this dark place of loss and self-pity or I can allow God to help me to rise above all of the pain and disappointment.

If you are going through a time of feeling lost, you aren't alone!  I'm not alone.  We have one another but more importantly, we have a God who is ALWAYS walking with us.  He sees us and knows us by name.  I challenge you today to just BE! BE BOLD enough to just BE who YOU are!!!  Who GOD created!  Be bold enough to not feel the need to please but to be confident in who you are!

Thank you Amanda for your encouragement! I needed that message today!

I Don't Do Unhealthy: I Didn't Let Wisdom Guide

"Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding." Proverbs 4:6-7

Forgiveness.  

We all need forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a must as a Christian.  It's a commandment that comes with loving others and following Christ.  As much as forgiving is important, so is wisdom.  I think it's fair to say that my forgiveness always has come with complete faith and trust in people.  If I forgave you, I fully trusted you again.  If I chose to remain in your life, I put my all back in.  This might be needed in some incidents but I think it's safe to say that in most instances, it's wise to take the time to slowly allow trust back in.  Forgiveness doesn't mean trust and relationship.   Forgiveness simply means grace and Jesus.  Restoration does not have to follow forgiveness and I think that often times, we hold back forgiveness because we aren't ready for relationship or trusting again.  Forgiveness restores our hearts but doesn't have to restore the relationship.  Sometimes forgiveness is a part of goodbye and walking away gracefully.

Wisdom has to come with forgiveness because wisdom comes from God.  

I'm learning this truth and it's been a painful lesson to learn but it has been worth learning.  Proverbs 4:6-7 gently warns us that wisdom can cost it all and I'm currently living in that painful but freeing truth.  I worked in full time ministry at a church I loved dearly.  I loved the people, the messages and what I felt that God was doing there.....wisdom cost me the job I loved so much.  It still stings and at times, I still cry.  The painful reality that wisdom opened up, left a sting in my heart that hasn't quite left.  God's faithfulness is beautiful though.  The one thing that still stings my heart is the day I reached out with some of my concerns while I was employed there and I was told by the pastor I reached out to, that if I quit that church, I would NEVER find another good opportunity to work at a place like that again.....but then God.  Thankfully that pastor is not my amazing and most POWERFUL HEAVENLY FATHER!  Thankfully my Father has bigger plans for me and I'm living out that plan now and I know He will continue to have bigger plans for me and my family. Thankfully God loves me, sees me and values me!  Thankfully that pastor's words aren't the final words in my life......I serve an awesome Father WHO has the FINAL say in my life.

After that incident, I forgave and moved on in my position.  I continued to serve wholeheartedly but all the while, praying for wisdom.  I knew something didn't feel right in my spirit about what was said to me and I didn't feel right about so many other things I had concerns with.  So, I continued to pray for wisdom. 

Wisdom is a beautiful thing.  It redirects our lives, shapes our value system and leads us to God's better plan for us.  

My heart still aches when I think about that part of my past.  It's a season that sadly haunts me but I'm thankful I serve a God who is using it to better shape me, guide me and grow me.  He has allowed me to grow in wisdom and wisdom has taught me to tread lightly, not jump in without researching and seeking God and ALWAYS follow scripture!  My heart still aches so deeply and I still have lots of forgiving to do but I'm thankful that I now know the value of letting wisdom guide after forgiveness.  

Stay tuned for: "I Supported Anybody & Everybody"

I Don't Do Unhealthy: Rejection - Letting Go Of the Chase

"Eliminate unhealthy relationships and focus on healthy ones. Honestly consider the value of each of your current relationships. Pray for the wisdom to determine which people in your life right now either are or aren’t worthy of your trust, time, and energy. Ask yourself who influences your life in positive ways, as well as who impacts it in negative ways. Let go of unhealthy relationships and focus only on people with whom you truly have safe and positive relationships. From now on, choose to invest only in relationships in which you can participate in a healthy flow of mutual commitment and contribution." - Crosswalk

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THIS 👐

I can't explain to you how much this solidified some of the things I had been praying about since I returned home from Texas. Something about my trip to Texas completely changed my heart, my spirit and my mind.  I feel peaceful and enlightened and have walked with a renewed hope.  God is SO AMAZING how He brings everything to the forefront and how He orchestrates it all to work out for our good.  He DOES MAKE BEAUTY OUT OF ASHES!!!! Thank You Jesus! 

With that being said, one of the things he has been working in my heart about is, my ability to let anybody and everybody into my close circle. I continue to chase the people who reject me, I trust too easily, I forgive without allowing wisdom to guide the relationship after forgiveness and I support anybody and everybody and their dreams without asking myself if I need to support at close range or step away and support from a distance (might not make sense written out but it does in my head haha).

The next few days, I will be elaborating on each of these components because I think it's important for us to share our experiences with one another.  If somebody has or is going through what I have, then maybe I can help and vice versa!  I want to share what God has moved in me over the past couple of weeks and why these things can be dangerous to us emotionally, physically and most of all spiritually!  

I ALLOW ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY INTO MY CLOSE CIRCLE

Why would we do this y'all?  There are so many scriptures that support us NOT doing this yet Christians tend to do this more often than not because it is ingrained in our minds that we are to love and be kind (which we should).  However, we can love and be kind without allowing people into our closest most inner thoughts.  We must be "choosy" about who we allow into those most precious places in the deepest most purest core of our inner being.  The enemy is lurking and is capable of using anybody to speak death into our dreams and into our lives and family's lives (even if it's not directly to us).  Yes, we are to love but I've said it time and time before, sometimes loving from a distance is a more precious and sacred love because it allows us to separate ourselves from the pain of rejection and hurt and allows us to give those emotions to God and move on.  Separation isn't always a bad thing and God sometimes needs that separation between two people in order to work.  

Even Jesus had an inner circle!

I was literally sharing my most inner thoughts, my precious heart, my complete trust and parts of my life that are sacred with people who have shown me time and time again that they don't really care about a relationship with me.  So, in essence, I was allowing myself to be rejected over and over again..... and over and over again....and over....(you get the picture).  Which brings me to my first lesson:

I Continued to Chase the People Who Rejected Me

“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you." Josh 15:18

Ugh, rejection.  One of the ugliest feelings in the world.  It's one that Jesus must have felt over and over again.  It hurts my heart to think about the pain he must of endured, all for me....all for us! What's amazing though is the beauty that God makes out of rejection.  

"As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious,"

 1 Peter 2:4

"The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone." Psalm 118:22

For me, that beauty is that rejection has brought me into a deeper relationship with Him.  A relationship that's beauty is beyond any earthly friendship that I can ever imagine.  The beauty rejection has done for me is that it helped me to understand that not everybody is meant to be in my life or me in theirs......and THAT IS OK!  That is how it is supposed to be.  There are only a select few people that God wants in our deepest part of us and rejection allows Him to weed out the ones who are not supposed to be in there.  So, for the first time ever, I am SO thankful for REJECTION!!!!  I know it's so cliche' but it's so true, "Rejection is protection!"  So, at some point, we HAVE TO STOP chasing that in which He is trying to separate us from.  We have to STOP chasing the rejection.  How crazy is it that sometimes we CHASE the rejection?  Well, it stops today!  I hope you will join me! 

Every time I think about rejection, I think about the story of Leah and Rachel and what rejection did in their story.  Have you ever just felt so left out, so unchosen, so rejected?  I have.  Up until recently, I felt that day in and day out.  I can truly say that God has finally delivered me from the past rejections I have encountered.  I have found forgiveness, peace, love and the strength and courage to let go.  I had to let go of the hurt feelings and most of all I had to let go of the chase.   

Stay tuned for "I Trusted Too Easily"..... 

Bravelets For The PCOS Foundation

"The mission of the PCOS Foundation is 'to spread awareness through public and professional education programs in order to improve the diagnosis and decrease or eliminate the lifetime risk associated with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)."

This cause is personal for me as I have suffered with PCOS since I was 13 years-old.  I remember being 13 and spending a week in the hospital.  I was in so much pain and the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me.  I wasn't diagnosed then but instead went many years having cyst rupture after cyst rupture after cyst rupture along with a ton of other health issues. I was diagnosed with PCOS 18 years ago after a major cyst rupture and surgery.  I didn't really understand it then, all I knew is that I was in pain and tired of the hospital.  It wasn't until after I got married and my husband and I started talking about having kids, that I really started to research it.  I knew from personal experience that women with PCOS had a higher rate of infertility and/or miscarriage, so that brought me to a point of wanting to understand it better.  Now that I was married, I wanted to be healthy and for once, smart about this.

I have come a very long way on my journey.  It's been frustrating, painful (emotionally and physically), enlightening, moving and brave.  I have met and spoken with some of the most amazingly brave women you will ever meet who brave this PCOS journey alongside me.  We cheer one another on, encourage one another and work with one another on bringing awareness to this very serious illness!  Two weeks ago my husband and I finally got the answer to why I continue to miscarry.  After years of so many questions, it all came down to one hormone that my body doesn't elevate enough during pregnancy.  Once the pregnancy hits a certain point, the baby doesn't make it. Now with an amazing PCOS specialist helping me to naturally get my levels where they should be, hopefully one day soon, I can carry a baby to full term.

 

To show your support, please visit Bravelets and purchase your favorite bravelet and show you support the PCOS Foundation!

I also added my Give Grace tattoo because showing myself grace is a huge part of my journey.  You can read more about that here.

No matter what you struggle with and no matter what your journey is.  

I pray you find your BRAVE in it! 

Jesus, Love & Lipstick

I have been so excited to announce this y'all!!!

I have decided to become a SeneGence Distributor! Before I tell you how I made this awesome decision, let me first tell ya that I have been using SeneGence LipSense for over a year now!!! The first time I ever used this was my very first appearance reading to children at my local library as Mrs. Lubbock America!!! I had LipSense in my makeup tote for about two weeks and just hadn't had the time to experiment putting it on (there are a couple of steps to it) BUT I had seen all of the pictures on Facebook and I NEEDED something long lasting since I would be speaking! So, I gave it a shot and NEVER TURNED BACK since!

As you can see, I need lipstick that will stay on for hours without having to worry about it coming off, smearing or looking sloppy!!! So, when my first distributor slowed down selling and my  best friend, Margo started selling Senegence, I was excited to have a full time distributor again! Becoming a distributor was far from my thought process but then....it happened! I signed up!!! 

WOOP!!!!!! 

Look at how amazing this lip stick is..... I can take a drink of coffee and have ZERO lipstick come off on my mug!!! *sigh* Magical Makeup.....yes, please!!!! 

If you would like to learn more about SeneGence and/or LipSense then feel free to join my Facebook Group or shoot me an email at jesusloveandlipstick@gmail.com or call/text me (806) 730-1100! 

Why "Jesus, Love and Lipstick"? Because I plan on my business being about self love and finding that self love in our beautiful Savior....while we look and feel fabulous! Can't wait to share more about this new chapter with you!

For the look below, I mixed Roseberry and Goddess together!!! Yeah, you can mix and match too.... I LOVE THIS STUFF!!!!! 

High Five For Friday - New Job, New Seasons and New Clothes

High Five For Friday Number One:

I accepted a job offer this afternoon to work for Brazi Bites! If you haven't tasted Brazi Bites, you are missing out!!!!! I'll be an admin assistant and work in customer service as well. I'm super excited!

High Five For Friday Number Two:

Blogging blogging blogging has been super busy lately! Book blogging, fashion blogging and just fun blogging! It's been a blast and I'm excited to get more blogging jobs!

High Five For Friday Number Three:

One of my very good friends from back home gave me the news this week that her and her husband are looking for a job in Portland, OR! OMG!!!!!!! A hometown friend here in the Pacific Northwest!!!!! Yes, Please!!!!!!!!!

High Five For Friday Number Four:

I have found some new delicious gluten free yummies this week! If you are on a gluten free diet then you know how difficult this is.

High Five For Friday Number Five:

New job means new outfit!?!?!? I'm gonna shop this weekend....hopefully hubby will be ok with that! :)

God Searches For His Sheep

Ezekiel y'all!! I dove into Ezekiel 34 this morning and I'm so thankful that the Lord led me to this wonderful book. One of the things that has grieved my heart the past few months is the world today. And not just the world outside of Christ but the world of Christianity as well. The Bible warns us of the false teachers that surround us and it's been something that has hurt my heart more than words can even describe.

I worked at a church full time and once a week had the amazing honor of being Pastor on call, so I know first hand that there are so many hurting and hungry people out there searching for hope and searching for answers. With such an enormous amount of lost hurting people, I'm realistic and wise enough to know that this means easy prey for lots of predators. The devil knew that this would be the case and while God is raising up legit leaders, the enemy is raising up false teachers.

So as I've studied false teachers and signs to be aware of over the past few months, I have asked God many hard questions. I knew when He was ready and when I was ready to receive the answers, that He would answer. Don't you just LOVE HIS LOVE!? This morning, I received that comfort and peace I had been searching for in my studying of false teachers. Ezekiel 34 happened to me this morning and my heart couldn't be more at peace.

Ezekiel 34 teaches us that there is so much hope for those who have been led astray by false teachers. It reminded me and gave me hope that He has taken care of these details that sometimes get overlooked. Leaders are like shepherds to God and I know that the same God who rescued then is the same God who will rescue now. He sees the shepherds now who are misleading like He saw them in the past. "This is what the Lord God says: I am against the shepherds. I will blame them for what has happened to my sheep and will not let them tend the flock anymore. Then the shepherds will stop feeding themselves, and I will take my flock from their mouths and so they will no longer be their food." Ezekiel 34:10

My questions to God have been questions about the innocent ones. "What about the ones who are hungry and lost but know no better?" He answers that for me in Ezekiel 34:11-12, "This is what the Lord God says: I, myself, will search for my sheep and take care of them. As a shepherd takes care of his scattered flock when it is found, I will take care of my sheep. I will save them from all the places where they were scattered on a cloudy and dark day." Of course He is going to take care of the innocent and of course He is going to hand pick His children from the grips of evil before it's too late. Thank You Jesus for loving your people the way you do! Thank you for giving my heart peace in a world of false teachers preying on lost souls.

As Darin and I continue our journey in a new state, I know that God is protecting us from false teachers. I have been so timid in the new search for a new church that the process has been a slow movement. But that's OK. After reading Ezekiel, I no longer feel rushed to look nor do I feel fear to look. I know He will guide us, protect us and (if needed) rescue us!!!

When You Have To Flee

In today's world of social media, it's so easy to fall into the need to have people's acceptance. We post hoping for a like or a comment. We post longing for the acceptance of other people. Sometimes that acceptance can become our god and we can find ourselves needing that more than we need Him.

I recently was slapped in the face with this sin of mine. I found myself desperately needing social media likes from certain people only to feel rejected when they looked past me. I would see their approval of others Facebook posts and pictures and would find myself feeling like a rejected failure. God revealed to me that I was seeking approval from the wrong source. I was worshiping the approval from certain people instead of being content in His approval.

I would love to say that after realizing this, I repented and quit. I tried that but it didn't work. I continued to sadly notice the lack of social media attention from these individuals and my heart continued to ache. Why was this such a battle with me and with just these certain people? I asked God these specific questions and He revealed that I was searching for grace and forgiveness from them. He reminded me of the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross for me and that grace and forgiveness were already mine. I didn't need to seek personal value from these individuals nor did I need to continue to feel trapped in my mistakes from the past. With this new knowledge, I didn't know what to do. I understood what He was telling me but I couldn't get my heart to understand. Still, I kept secretly waiting for their "likes" and comments. They never came.....

"Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry." 1 Corinthians 10:14

The bottom line was that I had been idolizing certain people's acceptance on social media. I was putting their rejection of me above God's love for me. With each post, my spirit grew more and more weary. With each viewing of that person's likes and comments on other people's posts, I felt more and more rejected. I finally said, "wait, this is not what God wants for me." I prayed several days on what to do and I came across 1 Corinthians 10:14...... I had to either deactivate all of my social media or delete the people who's acceptance I had been idolizing for so long. I weighed both options very carefully. I use social media for my coaching business and soon for the Mrs. Washington pageant. I dreaded doing what I knew I needed to do..... I didn't want to feel mean or childish but I knew I had to flee from this idolatry I had created for myself. I had to remove it from my life. I had to be mature enough to say that not having people on my social media does not mean I don't love them or care for them, it just means that I am choosing to remove the temptation to sin. I am choosing to only worship God and His love and acceptance of me. So, I did it y'all. I deleted people from social media. I dislike deleting people. I never want to hurt people's feelings or make them feel as if I am rejecting them. My heart is pure and to love God more than anybody and anything in this world is what I desire. He isn't concerned with feelings, He is concerned with my heart health and I knew what was happening was not good for my heart or my relationship with Him.

So, I challenge you today to totally put God first. Is there something in your life that causes you to stumble? Is there something in your life that you are idolizing and putting above God? If so, remove it from your life at all cost. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING is more important than your heart with God. He has to come first no matter what. Sometimes, you just have to flee.....

High Five For Friday - It's All About Family

High Five For Friday Number One:

Pictures of these three back home in Texas.

I miss those faces so much! It was heart warming to see them all in one picture!

High Five For Friday Number Two:

Jobs galore.... the good thing about living in a big city are all the job options. I'm getting ready to get back to work. I LOVE being home and being able to maintain my home (er, kinda maintain my home). Well, define maintain.......

I love being home but I'm ready to get back to life outside of our apartment! 

High Five For Friday Number Three:

Long conversations with my sissy...... Love!

High Five For Friday Number Four:

Exciting things in the Addis family happening! Woot!

High Five For Friday Number Five:

Tomorrow my parents celebrate their first year of marriage!!!!!! WEEEEEE!

Cleansing This Lent Season

Ah, the season of Lent. I love it. It feels like a peaceful time of renewing and cleansing our spirit. It's a time of reflecting on who God is and what Jesus did for us on the cross. Lent year has been especially special for me this year. My birthday was yesterday, the first day of Lent. I have been preparing for this season and really diving into scripture and prayer. My heart has been healing for some time now. It's been over a year since our miscarriage and it's been a year of amazing growth in Him and with Him. Gah, I love Him so much. I wish you could look into my heart and get a view of my love for Him. He's done so much in my pain. He's loved me in ways I couldn't even try and describe to you.

With all this love He gives me, I have still struggled with acceptance. I have struggled with a complete need of being accepted from friends, past co-workers, family and acceptance with even myself. Recently I have been able to spend so much time with Him and I have realized this downfall I have. Believe it or not, I had no idea I struggled with such nonsense as needing to FEEL accepted. I emphasize the word "feel" because no matter how we "feel", we ARE accepted!! God accepts us and we have to replace truth with lies when it comes to our feelings. 

This Lent season, I am letting go of the need to be accepted and just living my life for Him and His love! The past few days I have made peace with the fact that not everybody will love me, like me, accept me, forgive me or even tolerate me. It's just a fact. We will never ever please everybody so it's time to appreciate and fully focus on HIS acceptance of me. Wow, y'all!! HE loves ME. HE likes ME. HE accepts ME. HE forgives ME. And HE even tolerates ME. I am the apple of His eye and if His eye is the only one I will ever be the apple of, I'm SO BLESSED! 

Cleansing in this area is tough. It's one I've been praying about for days and even weeks now. There are lots of changes that comes with this type of cleansing. Lots of relationships that must shift because of the amount of idolatry I placed their acceptance at. Yes, you read that right. Idolatry. I realized that I idolized certain people's acceptance; just waiting on it, praying on it, hoping for it and then sadly being pained when the rejection came. God does not want me to live that way. He needs me to be me and to walk in the fullness of His love no matter who in this world rejects me. He suffered from rejection and died on the cross so that I wouldn't be rejected. Other's hate will never ever matter or make a difference in His purpose and calling on my life. The truth is y'all, we are made by Him, for Him and in His image. 

So cleansing is taking place in my life this season. I'm not quite sure what that looks like yet but I know He will tell me when it's time. He will guide me and I will be obedient. Thank You Jesus for all you have done for us. My heart is completely full and at peace because of You. 

The Addis Family Move

January was a crazy month for the Addis clan!! Darin accepted a job offer in Portland, OR!!! Thus our journey to packing and moving began!

On January 11th, Darin hopped on a plane to Portland, OR to interview, solidify things and find us a home and I hopped in my car and drove to Bentonville, AR! I visited with some friends and went through my storage unit. It was nice to see my friends again! I have missed them dearly!

Then I made a stop in Oklahoma to visit my sissy!!! We had lunch and some awesome sister time!!!

The days following were chaotic, busy, exciting, nerve wracking, joyful and HOPEFUL!!! Last year Darin and I started our year with loss. This year we started it out with hope and excitement to a new beginning! I'm thankful for the family and friends that surrounded us in our last days in Texas!! We love you guys and miss you all like crazy!!!!

We left Lubbock on January 22nd and arrived in Vancouver, WA January 25th. The move took us four days and three nights. It was the hardest thing I have ever done! It was an adventure, it was awesome to see so many different places, it was scary to drive through so many different weathers but it was freeing! I didn't know I had it in me to do such a move!!! I'm thankful for God's Hand on us....He protected us and kept us in peace! I got to see so many places for the first time and added five states to my bucket list of seeing all 50 states in the USA! We also spent an evening in Vegas with my brother and sister-in-law! It was SO much fun!

When we drove into Portland, I knew the decision we had made was the right one. God confirmed this with the beauty He has created.

We have enjoyed ourselves these past couple of weeks! I miss my family and friends dearly but I'm thankful for technology and I get to FaceTime, Skype and video conference with them!!!

Ending 2016 and Walking Into A New Season

Where do I begin with 2016......On the outside, I would be justified in saying this was the worst year of my life and in a way, that's very true. However, serving the kind of loving God that I do, He has made it all beautiful and for His glory! I love Him so much! There are so many things about 2016 that were terrible, heart breaking, suffocating.....but I wouldn't change one thing. It was the year of MAJOR growth, spiritual redirection and divine appointments with God. His thumbprint is on every moment of this year! I leave 2016 with complete thanksgiving and gratitude! Thank You Daddy for your amazing love for me! Thank You for your gifts of growth, change, mercy and grace! My love for you grew deeper this year and I pray that it only continues!!!

January 4th, the day that is embedded in my heart. I remember every moment, every word and every emotion of that morning at the doctor's office. The words "you're pregnant but Crystal, it appears that you are miscarrying," ring in my ears to this day, almost a year later. The drive home was so surreal. Darin and I had been on fertility medicine for two months. How could the joy of hearing "you are pregnant" be followed with such tragic and heart wrenching news? I was devastated. I was heart broken. I was confused. I was hurting. "You Are Not Alone" by Kari Jobe came on the radio.....it was like God was reminding me that through the pain, through the confusion....He was with me. I suddenly felt peace in my heartbreak. I knew the days ahead would be hard but I had assurance from the beginning, He was with me every step of the way.

The days following were a blur. I slept a lot. I cried a lot. I was mourning.

I was soon able to write a letter to my baby. This was the first time I started to feel a small step towards healing.

I learned a lot in this grieving season. I learned how to "Just Be".....how to just be in the moment of brokenness without trying to fix it myself. I learned how to just be silent and allow Him to embrace me in my pain. I learned that not having all the answers is "ok" because I serve the one who does! I learned that I don't have to be everything to everybody because I am just me.....and sometimes, I am broken and can't.....and that doesn't make me a bad person. I learned that sometimes saying "no" is loving myself, my marriage and my growth with God. I learned that I just need to be me and who I am in the season I am in and that the people who really belong in my life will be right there with me when all is said and done.....even if it means that I need distance and space for a moment. I learned SO much about the true meaning of relationships; with others, with myself and with God.

March brought some amazing joy!! My mother and step-father FINALLY got married! After years of praying for them to seal their relationship with marriage, they DID IT!!!! It was such a joyful moment in our family!!! A moment that made 2016 beautiful and reminded me that God is faithful!

Through the loss of our first child, Project Purpose was birthed. One of the things I was so saddened by with our loss is that we would never be able to see our child live out his God given purpose. I made a promise to myself that I would give his short life purpose! Project Purpose started out as my cause for the Mrs. Texas pageant but has formed into something amazing! Project Purpose is about helping others walk in purpose by encouraging, inspiring and giving back to the community. On June 9th, I realized that this was more than a cause but it was a mission!

July 5th, I had an ovarian cyst rupture. That cyst rupture would be the cause to a domino effect of health problems that lasted until mid November. Talk about frustration! The rupture caused my hiatal hernia to inflame, which would then cause my esophagus to inflame, which would then cause a TON of physical pain for months to come. I was in and out of doctor's appointments, tests, ER visits....it was a nightmare. In the midst of trying to find out what was going on with my body, the doctor's found a lump in my breast which turned out to be a cyst, which caused another set of doctor's visits and honestly.....another set of big fears! Thankfully, everything turned out fine. I'm on some meds and getting back on track with life and GREAT health!!!! God is good and even though I was frustrated and in physical pain, I felt God close to me. He was near me, leaning into me more than ever and I Him. Our relationship grew deeper in these moments of sickness.

It was in these months that I dove into scripture like never before and it was in these months that my spiritual life would be redirected. I started to view things so differently. I realized that things I thought were important really were not! I loved working in the church but it wasn't what my heart desired any more, the mission I was working for wasn't what God wanted for me in this season. I realized that spiritually, I was heading in the wrong direction. A direction that God doesn't want for me as a Christian. I idolized too much. I idolized worldly ways to reach out to the lost and expected worldly ideas and creativity to be what captured their hearts. I put God in a box and didn't use scripture and His love be what captured the hearts of those who didn't know Him. I followed the masses of using pop culture, worldly creativity and idols to guide me. I was so wrong. It was in my sickness that I truly found what God wanted for me. As Christians, we should be helping the elderly, loving on the sick, visiting the incarcerated, giving to the orphaned and feeding the homeless. I realized, I had been doing it wrong. My Christianity had been about what something looked like from the outside and not about what God saw in the inside. God changed me even more during these months and it hurt like crazy. It hurt bad because I felt like I had let Him down my years of being a Christian.

It has taken some time to forgive myself but I'm thankful for a God who forgives me because He has taught me in these past few months that He loves me and I am worthy of forgiveness. He has reminded me that it isn't the journey that matters but that I get there. I still have SO much to learn and I realize that in a few more years maybe even weeks or months, there will be another growth spurt and I will realize I had gotten something wrong again but I will embrace that! God WANTS us to seek Him consistently....and even if it takes days, weeks or even years.....He wants us to GET it! So, I will keep seeking Him and leaning into Him!

My last day at the church was December 14th. It was a bitter sweet day but obedience isn't always easy. I was saying goodbye to an amazing church family and a job I loved dearly! My love for God will always be stronger though and I had to be courageous in walking into the next season! God will never ever ask us to let go of something without a reason or without giving us something back! He is a loving God like that! I grew so much and learned so much in the past two years of working at the church. I was surrounded by people who led and taught me. It is the only church I have ever been a member at and I will forever be thankful for the people, learning and growth that took place there.

My husband and I are walking into not just a new year but a new season! We are leaving behind so much heartache and valleys in 2016 but walking into 2017 with so much growth, wisdom and new beginnings! I pray for all of you to look back at this past year and see how God used the good and bad moments for your good. I pray your 2017 is a year that brings joy and happiness and growth! God never promised us this life would be easy but He promised us that He would never leave us! He really does make beauty out of ashes!!! I believe that....I'm living that.

Eliminate the Fan In You

In a world full of skewed values, constant hate and selfish motives, we need to do everything we can to eliminate just being a "fan" of Jesus. You might be asking yourself right now, "what does she mean by being a 'fan' of Jesus, I love Jesus .......isn't that good enough?" The truth is that loving Jesus and being a true follower of Jesus are two totally different things and as Christians, we need to do both.

There was a time in my life where I was on the fence in my christian walk. I had one foot in and one foot out flirting with a worldly lifestyle. One day after a night out at the bars I got home, hopped on social media and saw that a friend had posted this quote, I would love to say reading this quote about Christians being the cause of atheism shifted something in me.....but it didn't. In my warped mind of thinking I was still doing right because I was going to church every Sunday, I said to myself "Yeah! You hypocrites, you are turning people away from Christ!" and then I reposted it. So my page for that weekend was as follows...."Wooo having fun with the girls" (at a bar, I didn't have a drink in my hand, just the other girls did so I was good", "Wooooo ran into these cute boys" (I wasn't making out with any of them and again, no beer in my hand. My clothes were a little questionable but who cares, I'm not showing them that I am drinking), then a repost of the awesome quote about hypocrite Christians, next my sweet post about how church service was awesome.....but it didn't stop there because it was "Sunday Fun day" and I had to go celebrate at the bars a few hours after church. Sad huh?

I was lost. I was so totally and utterly lost that I had NO idea what I was doing to myself, other lost people, other people still on the fence or most importantly my walk with God. I was hurting myself more than what I would have been had I just been all in to a sinful world of unbelieving. Sounds harsh but it's true and scripture tells us this too:

"But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" Revelation 3:16

That scripture scares me but I didn't get it until a loving person in my small group at the time (yes, I was attending a small group in between my nights out bar and club hopping) pulled me to the side and said, "I'm saying this out of love because I know you want to be a vessel for Christ but I have to tell you, you're doing it wrong and I want you to read this scripture...." She then lovingly and with so much wisdom in her every word explained to me that this scripture was a warning to all of us and that this scripture alone tells us that it isn't enough to just say I love Him but I have to show it to Him every single day and I have to reach the lost and unloved by living a lifestyle that HONORS God. And then she broke it to me, I was not living a lifestyle that honored myself or the One who gave His only begotten Son for me. That evening shook my world. I had so many mixed emotions; hurt, anger, pain, resentment, bitterness, guilt, conviction, sadness.....and I finally hit my knees and asked for complete forgiveness and a complete surrender. I told God that I was SO sorry for all the lost people that I confused with my behavior, out at the bars and clubs one night then church the next. How I must have confused so many people or even worse......turned them away from the most beloved Father.

I spent many weeks not talking to anybody. I had so much to sort out in my mind, my heart and in my life. All of my friends lived the half in and half out lifestyle and didn't understand what I was trying to tell them when I started declining nights out. I would ask them to come over and watch a movie instead and would literally get laughed at. So, I knew I needed to make LOTS of drastic changes in my life, sadly even cutting off relationships with some people. But I had finally hit that sweet spot where I really understood and I finally GOT IT and I was willing to do anything and everything to please Him and be obedient. I needed to get my heart right and my lifestyle in good standing with Him.

I finally came to a place where I yielded my whole life to Him. I realized that when we truly have Christ upon our lives, our untamed and sinful natures are brought under His control. We no longer desire the things of the flesh above pleasing Him. My single loneliness would no longer trump my love for Him. I stopped going out, I stopped dating the wrong guys and started dating my beloved God. I fell in love with Him and started to dive into the Word so much that it was a part of my very being. I felt hungry and I had never felt that before. He was truly my best friend and the Father I respected and honored with every part of my life. I was no longer just His fan.

"Whoever loves pure thoughts and kind words will have even the King as a friend." Proverbs 22:11

If you are struggling with being one foot in and foot out, trust me, you are not ever too far gone for Him. Surrender it ALL to Him and be obedient to how He wants you to live. Will it be easy, nothing worth having ever is; you will probably lose some relationships, you will go through times of loneliness and the temptation will creep back in but you have to fight it. I would fight everything with the Word. I got lonely, I dove into my Bible and prayer. I started to feel left out from the big night out to celebrate someone's birthday, I dove into my Bible and prayer and celebrated my positive changes with my Father. Everything always went back to Him and that is the moment my whole life shifted. God started to really use me to minister to people, He started to give me vision of what my purpose was, He started to open doors to work in ministry and to love on others in a way that was so deep and meaningful. He finally trusted me to do His work.

Don't be just His fan. He wants SO much more for you and for your relationship with Him. We can't have true relationship with Him if we are hurting His heart every other weekend. Does He forgive us and love us even in that season, absolutely! But it doesn't mean He wants us to stay there! Time to surrender! Time to change! Time to stop being His fan and being His daughters and sons!

Praying For A Best Friend

I don't know about you all but when it comes to best friends, I don't want just any best friend but I want a spiritual best friend. A spiritual best friend is one who is committed to walking through life's ups and downs with you and who is committed to help you grow in God! A spiritual friend is somebody who in the midst of problems, stops everything to reach out and pray with you and who makes an effort to understand you.

This past year has stretched and grown me so much.I see so many things differently. The miscarriage taught me about the reality of hopes and dreams being taken from out of our grasp in a blink of an eye. It brought a phenomenal trust in God that I cannot put into words. My plans are not His plans and I'm so thankful for that. He knows what I need and when I need it and even in the deep pain, I must trust Him.

My recent health issues have taught me patience and courage. The scare of a breast nodule and getting mammograms and breast ultrasounds shook me to my core but I had a peace throughout the whole process. Maybe it was discerning that everything would be ok and that the nodule was not cancerous or maybe it was the trust I have built up in Him over the past few months. I'm not sure what it was but it was amazing. I felt His love in a big way and I saw His hand working in every detail of my health issues.

I have seen His hand vividly this past year. I would never ever want to relive this year again but I don't regret it for one second nor would I change one thing. The pain and frustration were real but so was His love. His love has been the only thing that has literally saved my life this past year. His love is what reached out to me in my moments of despair and brought me out of the pit of depression. This year has grown me so much and my relationship with God has grown leaps and bounds!

I love people deeper and truly see the beauty in every single person in my life. Just two months ago, I can sadly say, that wasn't me. Trauma and health scares have brought me to a place of peace with myself that leads me to a place of peace with others. I used to be critical of myself and of others but I have realized that life is too short for that and people are too important. I think of all of my friends and want to embrace each of them and I anticipate the new friends because those friends will be getting the best of me from the get go (sorry oldies, nothing personal.....it just took me some time and heartache to get here).

I say all this to say that I am extremely happy where I am in life right now. I know without a shadow of doubt that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Right now in this moment, I am extremely grateful for an amazing husband who is above and beyond all of my prayers. I'm thankful for a job that allows me to serve others and help build the Kingdom of God. I'm also thankful for this longing for a spiritual friendship. It's this deep longing to connect with one friend, a best best best friend. Scripture tells us that a friend will stick closer than a brother.....wow, closer than our own blood. I want the kind of friend that scripture talks about, one who sticks closer than a brother. Don't get me wrong, I have AMAZING friends who are lifers and will always be forever besties to me but I miss having that one friend who is without a shadow of doubt, my BEST FRIEND.

When I think of that friend that is described in scripture, I think of the sister who a gal talks to every single day. They text, call, facetime and email everyday. There isn't a day that goes by that they are not in communication. I think of the sister who is fully committed to growing in Christ and who will be the one to encourage, hold accountable and cheer the other on. I think of sisters who are fully committed to communicating and committing to understand one another, even when it's hard to understand one another and especially when the waves are rocky. I miss that in my life and it's crazy but I didn't know it was missing until I built a love in my heart that's ready for deep and honest spiritual friendship.

One might ask, what about your husband? My husband is AMAZING and is definitely my best friend but.....he's definitely not a sister. He doesn't understand the importance of needing the dress that's on sale or that I can't wear a t-shirt to dinner with his parents or why I have a long bed time routine of face washing, hair grooming and teeth whitening and he especially doesn't understand my need to know how to put on false eye lashes. God made husbands and I'm SO thankful for that.....but He also created us for relationships with friends who stick closer than a brother. Tonight, I pray for my best friend. I used to pray for my husband and God brought me the most AMAZING husband ever! I know through the relationship I have with my husband that He will be faithful in bringing me a friend that will stick closer than a sister.

If you are lonely for a friend that will stick closer than a brother or sister tonight, close your eyes and pray for him or her. Trust that God has placed that desire in your heart for a reason and that it is not silly. It's not silly at all to desire the kind of friendship scripture teaches us about. He is a faithful God and He created you for real connection with others! I'm praying for my best friend tonight. I don't know who she is or what she is doing but I pray that God is guiding her, protecting her and loving on her tonight!

When I Stretch, He Stretches

God, what an amazing Father we have. I have never been able to wrap my mind around how much He loves us and embraces us. It takes a humble heart to reach out to Him and seek Him. I was asked not too long ago what made me think God was real because when she has been in trouble, He was no where to be seen. I sat down and asked her if she told Him she needed Him and she replied with "no, if He is God then He should know I need Him but He never comes."

This is often people's reaction to God not just rescuing us when we need rescuing. The truth is God is a gentle God and He only comes when we invite Him in. I'm not sure why this is so hard for us to grasp. Sadly, this is the very thing that keeps others from reaching out to Him and saying, "God, I NEED you so much. Please come." There's this pride that sets in our very spirit that expects Him to just know we need Him and we expect Him there right then because we deserve it. Sadly, He does know but we never invite Him to come and our pride keep us from Him.

When we humble ourselves to the need our soul has of Him is when God reveals His presence the most. We might get His whispers and tiny nudges but man, when we earnestly seek Him, He becomes more active in our lives than we can even imagine. When we stretch out to Him is when He will stretch out to us the most! Thank you Daddy for being a gentle Father and loving me so patiently and boldly!

High Five For Friday ~ Movie Night, God and New Seasons

High Five For Friday One:

Lazy day today.

Enough said.

High Five For Friday Two:

THIS is happening tonight!!! Cannot wait!

High Five For Friday Three:

Life. Life is amazing and God awes me. The things he has been teaching me lately are amazing! The chains He has been setting me free from are outrageous! Keep it coming Daddy, I want all the freedom You have for me!!!!

High Five For Friday Four:

Check out my most recent blog on the Prize 31 blog.

http://prize31.com/move/

High Five For Friday Five:

Our new loft is coming together. We still have boxes everywhere but the newness of this season is a promise that everything will be put into place soon! God is good!

Life Coaching Certification Study Day

I absolutely love working on my life coaching certification! I'm learning so much and ready to serve many in this capacity! If you haven't ever spoken with a Life Coach, you are missing out! Talking to a Life Coach transformed my life! Email me if you are interested in a free consultation, caddis@trinitytoday.com! :)

Cryssie's Updates - Kairos, Pageants, Trips, Girlfriends, And Parentals

Life has been so much fun with growing and Jesus! I can't get over how much He loves us! I attended a Kairos at my church and it was amazing! I really handed over a lot of my recent pain from the miscarriage my husband and I experienced and the fears of never being able to carry a child to full term. I was drowned with fear and shame and God did an amazing work in me once I surrendered it all to Him and allowed Him to work! He is so amazing! The greatest thing about going through this is going through this with amazing girlfriends! The hubby would have been with us too but he had terrible migraines and had to stay home.

The past few months have been full of fun and excitement and a lot of that comes from my Mrs. Lubbock reign and title! I attended the Mrs. Texas pageant in Dallas and we got to see my father-in-law AKA Pappy since he lives there. We had SO MUCH FUN! I experienced my FIRST In-And-Out burger and it was AMAZING!

Then we hit the zoo!!!

Then of course the awesome Mrs. Texas pageant! I wasn't competing this year but I got to see some awesome competition on stage and it fired me up for next year's Mrs. Texas pageant!

I also judged a Junior Miss and Miss Crosbyton pageant! It was my first pageant to judge and I had SO much fun! I hope I am able to judge more pageants in the future!!!

I recently signed on to volunteer for Her Legacy. After attending a Girlfriends and Chocolate Benefit they held, I fell in love with the vision and with the amazing leadership team! I went with some of my girlfriends and we had SO MUCH FUN!

The greatest part of the the spring season thus far has been standing next to my mom as she married her best friend for 30 plus years. It was a beautiful wedding and it was so much fun to celebrate her and my dad and to see them FINALLY TIE THE KNOT! It was a fun day! It's been a fun couple of months celebrating them as a couple and of course celebrating my mom for her birthday and for mother's day! God is good and He created mothers to show us His love in many ways!