Her Soul Purpose Scholarship

Every so often, I like to give away scholarships for 1:1 coaching with me. I haven't done it in a while, so it's about that time! I'll be giving away FIVE Scholarships for some 1:1 Pregnancy Loss Grief Coaching.

If you, or if you know somebody who has experienced pregnancy loss and could benefit from some 1:1 coaching, please share this link with them. All information remains confidential!

https://fs27.formsite.com/5jcifS/form1/index.html

Embrace Suffering, Embrace God

Suffering is a feeling we don't welcome into our lives very well. Just hearing the word can send shivers down your spine. At least for me it does. Isn't it crazy that the very thing we do not want in our lives, is the very thing that brings us closest to God? 

I learned a long time ago to embrace suffering. No, it isn't welcomed in my world either. Like most people, I despise the feeling of heartbreak and emptiness. I loathe the thought of feeling like my soul is lost in the depth of sorrow and grief. As much as I dislike suffering, I embrace it because suffering pulls me into my Father's arms more powerful than I can even begin to try and understand. 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

I embrace it because God is in the midst of all the chaos when my spirit feels shaken, when my world feels turned upside down. He is there. I feel Him. I seek Him. I embrace Him. When we learn to embrace suffering, we begin to embrace more of Him into our space. We allow Him to come in and fill the empty places with His love and peace. In those moments of feeling completely lost and unsure, He is there. 

I remember days where I would wake up completely unsure of what the future would hold. Miscarriage hurt my heart, took away a piece of our family. Even though I carry our baby in my heart, the truth of the matter is that he is not here physically with us. He isn't sharing in the joys of life. He didn't get to move to the Pacific Northwest with us and experience the beauty of nature and a different part of the world. That thought haunts me from time to time, but then God. God steps in, holds my hand and loves me. When suffering starts to creep back in, I embrace God. I lean into Him and remember whose I am. 

Suffering is not the greatest thing in life, I agree. But, when we are called to suffer and grieve, we are called to embrace a God who will never leave us. We are the closest to our Heavenly Father than we will ever be when our grief meets suffering. So, as you cry and miss your child today, embrace Him. He is near you. 

Give Grace On This Mother's Day

Today, I give grace to myself. After multiple miscarriages, infertility and PCOS I have spent many days feeling less of a woman and feeling forgotten. For some, Mother's Day is a joyful day filled with amazing love and memory making. For others, it's a day of pain and a reminder of loss.

Today, I stand with women who have lost their mother, lost a child, experienced miscarriage and/or infertility. Today, I give grace to myself. I embrace my journey and know that God is holding my hand each day that passes. I embrace my story and I embrace my pain. This pain has brought me to a place of complete trust in Him and has brought me in complete awe of His love for me. Each time I start to feel less than a woman, He reminds me that I am a strong woman embraced with a crown of beauty and love.

What do you need grace for today? Who do you need to give grace to?

Give Grace Freely...

and

Give grace to yourself freely.....

Ending 2016 and Walking Into A New Season

Where do I begin with 2016......On the outside, I would be justified in saying this was the worst year of my life and in a way, that's very true. However, serving the kind of loving God that I do, He has made it all beautiful and for His glory! I love Him so much! There are so many things about 2016 that were terrible, heart breaking, suffocating.....but I wouldn't change one thing. It was the year of MAJOR growth, spiritual redirection and divine appointments with God. His thumbprint is on every moment of this year! I leave 2016 with complete thanksgiving and gratitude! Thank You Daddy for your amazing love for me! Thank You for your gifts of growth, change, mercy and grace! My love for you grew deeper this year and I pray that it only continues!!!

January 4th, the day that is embedded in my heart. I remember every moment, every word and every emotion of that morning at the doctor's office. The words "you're pregnant but Crystal, it appears that you are miscarrying," ring in my ears to this day, almost a year later. The drive home was so surreal. Darin and I had been on fertility medicine for two months. How could the joy of hearing "you are pregnant" be followed with such tragic and heart wrenching news? I was devastated. I was heart broken. I was confused. I was hurting. "You Are Not Alone" by Kari Jobe came on the radio.....it was like God was reminding me that through the pain, through the confusion....He was with me. I suddenly felt peace in my heartbreak. I knew the days ahead would be hard but I had assurance from the beginning, He was with me every step of the way.

The days following were a blur. I slept a lot. I cried a lot. I was mourning.

I was soon able to write a letter to my baby. This was the first time I started to feel a small step towards healing.

I learned a lot in this grieving season. I learned how to "Just Be".....how to just be in the moment of brokenness without trying to fix it myself. I learned how to just be silent and allow Him to embrace me in my pain. I learned that not having all the answers is "ok" because I serve the one who does! I learned that I don't have to be everything to everybody because I am just me.....and sometimes, I am broken and can't.....and that doesn't make me a bad person. I learned that sometimes saying "no" is loving myself, my marriage and my growth with God. I learned that I just need to be me and who I am in the season I am in and that the people who really belong in my life will be right there with me when all is said and done.....even if it means that I need distance and space for a moment. I learned SO much about the true meaning of relationships; with others, with myself and with God.

March brought some amazing joy!! My mother and step-father FINALLY got married! After years of praying for them to seal their relationship with marriage, they DID IT!!!! It was such a joyful moment in our family!!! A moment that made 2016 beautiful and reminded me that God is faithful!

Through the loss of our first child, Project Purpose was birthed. One of the things I was so saddened by with our loss is that we would never be able to see our child live out his God given purpose. I made a promise to myself that I would give his short life purpose! Project Purpose started out as my cause for the Mrs. Texas pageant but has formed into something amazing! Project Purpose is about helping others walk in purpose by encouraging, inspiring and giving back to the community. On June 9th, I realized that this was more than a cause but it was a mission!

July 5th, I had an ovarian cyst rupture. That cyst rupture would be the cause to a domino effect of health problems that lasted until mid November. Talk about frustration! The rupture caused my hiatal hernia to inflame, which would then cause my esophagus to inflame, which would then cause a TON of physical pain for months to come. I was in and out of doctor's appointments, tests, ER visits....it was a nightmare. In the midst of trying to find out what was going on with my body, the doctor's found a lump in my breast which turned out to be a cyst, which caused another set of doctor's visits and honestly.....another set of big fears! Thankfully, everything turned out fine. I'm on some meds and getting back on track with life and GREAT health!!!! God is good and even though I was frustrated and in physical pain, I felt God close to me. He was near me, leaning into me more than ever and I Him. Our relationship grew deeper in these moments of sickness.

It was in these months that I dove into scripture like never before and it was in these months that my spiritual life would be redirected. I started to view things so differently. I realized that things I thought were important really were not! I loved working in the church but it wasn't what my heart desired any more, the mission I was working for wasn't what God wanted for me in this season. I realized that spiritually, I was heading in the wrong direction. A direction that God doesn't want for me as a Christian. I idolized too much. I idolized worldly ways to reach out to the lost and expected worldly ideas and creativity to be what captured their hearts. I put God in a box and didn't use scripture and His love be what captured the hearts of those who didn't know Him. I followed the masses of using pop culture, worldly creativity and idols to guide me. I was so wrong. It was in my sickness that I truly found what God wanted for me. As Christians, we should be helping the elderly, loving on the sick, visiting the incarcerated, giving to the orphaned and feeding the homeless. I realized, I had been doing it wrong. My Christianity had been about what something looked like from the outside and not about what God saw in the inside. God changed me even more during these months and it hurt like crazy. It hurt bad because I felt like I had let Him down my years of being a Christian.

It has taken some time to forgive myself but I'm thankful for a God who forgives me because He has taught me in these past few months that He loves me and I am worthy of forgiveness. He has reminded me that it isn't the journey that matters but that I get there. I still have SO much to learn and I realize that in a few more years maybe even weeks or months, there will be another growth spurt and I will realize I had gotten something wrong again but I will embrace that! God WANTS us to seek Him consistently....and even if it takes days, weeks or even years.....He wants us to GET it! So, I will keep seeking Him and leaning into Him!

My last day at the church was December 14th. It was a bitter sweet day but obedience isn't always easy. I was saying goodbye to an amazing church family and a job I loved dearly! My love for God will always be stronger though and I had to be courageous in walking into the next season! God will never ever ask us to let go of something without a reason or without giving us something back! He is a loving God like that! I grew so much and learned so much in the past two years of working at the church. I was surrounded by people who led and taught me. It is the only church I have ever been a member at and I will forever be thankful for the people, learning and growth that took place there.

My husband and I are walking into not just a new year but a new season! We are leaving behind so much heartache and valleys in 2016 but walking into 2017 with so much growth, wisdom and new beginnings! I pray for all of you to look back at this past year and see how God used the good and bad moments for your good. I pray your 2017 is a year that brings joy and happiness and growth! God never promised us this life would be easy but He promised us that He would never leave us! He really does make beauty out of ashes!!! I believe that....I'm living that.

Meet Ezra

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, I'm going to share something with you all. I kept this intimate between my husband and I but I'm ready to now share it with you all. The week before our projected due date (September 4th) for what would have been our first child, we named our baby. We weren't far along enough to know the sex of our baby but I felt it in my spirit that our first child would be a boy. Right after I started to lose the pregnancy, that feeling instantly died. I knew in my heart of hearts, that was our baby boy that I always felt we would have. I shared this with my husband the day we named our baby and we agreed that his name would have to have a profound meaning.

Let me back up a little to the month we lost our baby boy. I was obviously sad but what saddened me the most wasn't that I wouldn't be able to hold him in my arms or be his mommy but that I would never get to see my baby live out his purpose. After I opened up about our loss, I had so many women reach out to me and tell me how their miscarriage had impacted their life in a profound way and shared with me that my writings had touched them and helped them come to a place of wanting healing and closure. One night after a long conversation with a woman from North Carolina via Facebook IM, the Lord spoke to my spirit and told me that my baby's purpose would be lived out through me from here on out. He gave me a new outlook on what it meant to help others and to truly be a hand for Jesus. I knew at that moment that my baby's purpose was birthed in me and that he would forever be my.....helper.

My husband and I agreed on a name for our baby boy, Ezra Addis. We haven't agreed on a middle name yet haha....but that's ok. Of course we picked a name that would have a powerful meaning special to him and that meaning is, "helper". My Ezra will forever be mommy's helper in reaching out to a hurting and painful world. I'm not sure what that looks like yet but that's ok, I'm just embracing each moment that I am able to help others on behalf of my Ezra. I won't let you down baby, I will help others and fulfill your purpose!

So, from now on, when anybody meets me.....they will also meet Ezra Addis in me! He is forever in my heart, my mind and spirit! I know God had great big plans for Him and they were fulfilled the moment he came into my life.....the moment I realized the importance of purpose! You see, we all have a purpose in this world. It doesn't matter what your circumstances are or what is happening around you. You have purpose!

He Was Adopted By Him

I'm so thankful for the people in my life.  I'm thankful for the women who pour into me and help me to be the woman of God He created me to be!!  The past month has been such an awesome month of growth!  What started out to be a season of pain, anger, confusion, and grief..... has turned out to be a season of so much beauty in my life.  The things of God that I have experienced in this season is breathtaking!  Losing my baby boy was tragic and painful but I KNOW he is being raised by the truly number one Daddy, our Heavenly Father!  What a blessing for him, right!?  He is going to be playing catch with Him and be raised by Him.  He will also be able to see loved ones who have passed on before us.  I imagine my grandmother making him tortillas and eggs right now and telling him, "this is how your mother liked her eggs when she was a child."  I imagine my cousins, Raul and Rachel, sharing fun stories of our growing up.  Oh what a ball they will have in heaven and one day, I will get to join them!  Until then, I will hold on to the blessing and honor of being his mommy!  

"God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure."  Ephesians 1:5

Ephesians 1:5 tells us that He took great pleasure in adopting us.  Wow!  If He takes great pleasure in adopting us when we are sinful here on earth, I can't even imagine the pleasure He has in adopting unborn babies who do not have one drop of sin in them!  

"But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 19:14

Do I still hurt and yearn to hold that baby of mine?  Absolutely!  But I am comforted with knowing that he is being held by the ultimate Father! 

Just Be

This week was an up and down one but I had some major breakthroughs.  The only good day I really had was Wednesday until that evening.  That was when I realized that I need to embrace the season I am in and just BE.  I have been trying to force myself back into my old life but it's impossible because I'm not that Cryssie any more.  Things are different, I am different.  I need to be ok with being hurt and unsure.  I need to be ok with it because that is when I am able to give it to the Lord and fully release it.  I need to accept it and be ok with not understanding it.  Not because I want to be broken but because of the One who can restore me.

We can only receive freedom when we can take that deep breath in and release it and then say, "ok Jesus, it's all Yours. All of the broken pieces, all of the hurt, all of the uncertainty, and all of my hopes and dreams are Yours."  It is only when we can surrender that He can take our broken pieces and make us whole again.

I don't have the answers to why we miscarried and that's ok.  I don't feel completely whole right now and that's ok.  I don't understand half of the emotions I go through on a day to day basis but that's ok too.  It's ok because where I might not know, He does and He wants me to just BE.  Even in my prayer time, He just wants me to BE.  He wants me to just be with Him in the silence.  He doesn't need me to grow or feel whole again right this second, He just needs me to be with Him in this season.  He placed me here and I have to trust Him.  

I'm so thankful that His beauty radiates more when we can see His face in the painful moments.

A Week Of Beauty

This week has been a stepping stone for me.  Where I still felt a pain in my heart, I was able to function better.  Monday was my hardest day.  I was in the office by myself most of the day and kept feeling pain overwhelm me throughout the day.  On the drive home, I felt so much sadness that I didn't think I could bear it any longer.  I got home and ran into my husband's arms and he comforted me.  His embrace reminded me that God has us and all is well in His plan.  We decided to go on a date to the movies.  I was able to experience joy again in our marriage.  We laughed and talked and I had fun with my husband again for the first time in weeks.  Thank You Jesus!

My sister came into town Tuesday and what a blessing her visit was.  We talked and spent good quality time together.  We laughed, cried, and shared private feelings that we have only shared with God and our husbands.  The time together was beautiful and I'm so thankful for her obedience.  God nudged her to come visit us and she obeyed.  He knew I needed the love of my big sister.  Thursday afternoon her and my Mom came over with pink and blue balloons.  I wrote messages on them and released them to the heavens.  I am confident that those messages made it to their rightful home.  

The days are getting easier and my moments of sorrow are getting fewer.  I'm not yet ready to try for baby #2 but I am prayerfully expecting God will tell me when it's time.  I'm thankful for His love and support.  I'm thankful for His grace and mercy with each passing day.  He makes all things beautiful and I will rest in that fact!  I am able to see so much of His beauty through this loss and I cannot thank Him enough for that.  

A Letter To The Baby I Never Met

I am so thankful for a husband who sometimes knows me better than I know myself.  I have had a hard time sleeping, being alone (mainly away from the hubby), and I have even had a hard time going into deep prayer.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry at God at all.  Recently, when I have prayed to my Heavenly Father, my heart hast felt more grief than I can bear.  How can I cry to Him when He lost His Son for me?  I felt selfish to cry to Him even though I know He knows my pain and He is a good good Dad and would never be mad at me for grieving!  So, I have kept my prayers over the past two weeks "The Lord's Prayer" so that I could still keep my line of communication open with Him, I mean He is my best friend.  I still feel that need to talk to Him all of the time! 

Last night, I had another sleepless night.  I read a book for about an hour and then laid in the dark in deep thought.  I remembered my husband encouraging me to journal and blog about what I'm going through. He said, "writing is your passion and so is helping others.  When you are ready and feel the tug, I encourage you to write and put yourself out there to be a light for others who have had a miscarriage."  I then, for the first time in the past two weeks; forced myself to pray.  It started out with thanking Him for my amazing husband and for the amazing support system I have had in the past couple of weeks.  I almost shut down again when the grief overwhelmed me but then I felt the tug from Him, "write a letter to your baby.....don't hide the impact he has had on you."  So, I did.  It's amazing when your Heavenly Father and your husband's wisdom aligns.  I felt so much peace after I wrote this and I was able to pray to Him in detail about my heart and I felt His love and comfort and for the first time, a first stitch in the mending of my heart.  You are such an awesome God!  Thank you Daddy!

A letter to the baby I never met……

I never met you in person but I met you in my heart.  I said “hello” to you the very same day I had to say “goodbye” to you and my world has not been the same since.  You, alone, have changed my life forever.  You have impacted my heart more than anybody ever could.  In one day I experienced love greater than I could know and grief that attacked my heart and spirit viciously.  The pain is real and the brokenness is brutal but God has beauty waiting for me but more importantly for you.  I can feel the impact of your short time in my life and it is something that I feel compelled to share and to not hold in.

1)         You have softened my heart in a way that I cannot even explain.  Life was perfect and things were great and in one day that shattered but it brought me to reality and reminded me that there are hurting people in this world.  It only takes one second for a heart to be broken and there are broken hearted people all around me.  I can’t change it but I have the capacity and heart to love harder and comfort more. 

2)         You confirmed I picked the perfect man to do life with.  I was already madly in love with him to begin with but these past couple of weeks have brought a deeper love for your daddy that I can’t even put into words.    

3)         You helped me to step up and speak out about the reality of the pain that comes from chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, multiple miscarriages, ectopic pregnancy, still birth, infertility issues and the pain that radiates from these things that so many women go through.  There are women struggling from this pain and we go unnoticed.  We suffer silently in fear that people will not understand us.  I understand and will be a listening ear and a compassionate heart for others.

4)         I know I have cried a lot lately and my heart has been heavy but rest assured little one, you have given me hope.  You have made a dream to have a family much more vivid.  You have propelled my faith and expanded my dreams in a way that only a child could. 

So thank you for changing me.  Thank you for allowing me to take care of you even for just a moment.  Thank you for allowing me to dream about you and to love you forever. I am still in the grieving and sadness process and I imagine a part of me always will be but during this time of sadness, I have been able to grasp on to the fact that you will forever be a part of who I am as a person.  If there was ever a question about whether a child is considered a life at conception; rest assured, my heart knows the truth.  I hope when you opened your eyes for the first time and saw Jesus that you felt peace and love all around you because that is what you deserve! 

Love Always,

Your Mommy