I am so thankful for a husband who sometimes knows me better than I know myself. I have had a hard time sleeping, being alone (mainly away from the hubby), and I have even had a hard time going into deep prayer. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry at God at all. Recently, when I have prayed to my Heavenly Father, my heart hast felt more grief than I can bear. How can I cry to Him when He lost His Son for me? I felt selfish to cry to Him even though I know He knows my pain and He is a good good Dad and would never be mad at me for grieving! So, I have kept my prayers over the past two weeks "The Lord's Prayer" so that I could still keep my line of communication open with Him, I mean He is my best friend. I still feel that need to talk to Him all of the time!
Last night, I had another sleepless night. I read a book for about an hour and then laid in the dark in deep thought. I remembered my husband encouraging me to journal and blog about what I'm going through. He said, "writing is your passion and so is helping others. When you are ready and feel the tug, I encourage you to write and put yourself out there to be a light for others who have had a miscarriage." I then, for the first time in the past two weeks; forced myself to pray. It started out with thanking Him for my amazing husband and for the amazing support system I have had in the past couple of weeks. I almost shut down again when the grief overwhelmed me but then I felt the tug from Him, "write a letter to your baby.....don't hide the impact he has had on you." So, I did. It's amazing when your Heavenly Father and your husband's wisdom aligns. I felt so much peace after I wrote this and I was able to pray to Him in detail about my heart and I felt His love and comfort and for the first time, a first stitch in the mending of my heart. You are such an awesome God! Thank you Daddy!
A letter to the baby I never met……
I never met you in person but I met you in my heart. I said “hello” to you the very same day I had to say “goodbye” to you and my world has not been the same since. You, alone, have changed my life forever. You have impacted my heart more than anybody ever could. In one day I experienced love greater than I could know and grief that attacked my heart and spirit viciously. The pain is real and the brokenness is brutal but God has beauty waiting for me but more importantly for you. I can feel the impact of your short time in my life and it is something that I feel compelled to share and to not hold in.
1) You have softened my heart in a way that I cannot even explain. Life was perfect and things were great and in one day that shattered but it brought me to reality and reminded me that there are hurting people in this world. It only takes one second for a heart to be broken and there are broken hearted people all around me. I can’t change it but I have the capacity and heart to love harder and comfort more.
2) You confirmed I picked the perfect man to do life with. I was already madly in love with him to begin with but these past couple of weeks have brought a deeper love for your daddy that I can’t even put into words.
3) You helped me to step up and speak out about the reality of the pain that comes from chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, multiple miscarriages, ectopic pregnancy, still birth, infertility issues and the pain that radiates from these things that so many women go through. There are women struggling from this pain and we go unnoticed. We suffer silently in fear that people will not understand us. I understand and will be a listening ear and a compassionate heart for others.
4) I know I have cried a lot lately and my heart has been heavy but rest assured little one, you have given me hope. You have made a dream to have a family much more vivid. You have propelled my faith and expanded my dreams in a way that only a child could.
So thank you for changing me. Thank you for allowing me to take care of you even for just a moment. Thank you for allowing me to dream about you and to love you forever. I am still in the grieving and sadness process and I imagine a part of me always will be but during this time of sadness, I have been able to grasp on to the fact that you will forever be a part of who I am as a person. If there was ever a question about whether a child is considered a life at conception; rest assured, my heart knows the truth. I hope when you opened your eyes for the first time and saw Jesus that you felt peace and love all around you because that is what you deserve!