Embrace Suffering, Embrace God

Suffering is a feeling we don't welcome into our lives very well. Just hearing the word can send shivers down your spine. At least for me it does. Isn't it crazy that the very thing we do not want in our lives, is the very thing that brings us closest to God? 

I learned a long time ago to embrace suffering. No, it isn't welcomed in my world either. Like most people, I despise the feeling of heartbreak and emptiness. I loathe the thought of feeling like my soul is lost in the depth of sorrow and grief. As much as I dislike suffering, I embrace it because suffering pulls me into my Father's arms more powerful than I can even begin to try and understand. 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

I embrace it because God is in the midst of all the chaos when my spirit feels shaken, when my world feels turned upside down. He is there. I feel Him. I seek Him. I embrace Him. When we learn to embrace suffering, we begin to embrace more of Him into our space. We allow Him to come in and fill the empty places with His love and peace. In those moments of feeling completely lost and unsure, He is there. 

I remember days where I would wake up completely unsure of what the future would hold. Miscarriage hurt my heart, took away a piece of our family. Even though I carry our baby in my heart, the truth of the matter is that he is not here physically with us. He isn't sharing in the joys of life. He didn't get to move to the Pacific Northwest with us and experience the beauty of nature and a different part of the world. That thought haunts me from time to time, but then God. God steps in, holds my hand and loves me. When suffering starts to creep back in, I embrace God. I lean into Him and remember whose I am. 

Suffering is not the greatest thing in life, I agree. But, when we are called to suffer and grieve, we are called to embrace a God who will never leave us. We are the closest to our Heavenly Father than we will ever be when our grief meets suffering. So, as you cry and miss your child today, embrace Him. He is near you. 

Diving Deeper - Genesis 2

I absolutely loved today’s diving deeper in Genesis today! Genesis 2 reminded me the simplicity of who He is. We tend to be overwhelmed with the idea of who God is, and where I love that feeling also because He is a big God that overwhelms us with His divine love, He is also peaceful and simple. Genesis 2 reminded me of that today.

“Nothing was growing into the fields because the Lord God had not yet made it rain on the land.” Genesis 2:5 – Growth can’t happen without the rain. Our pains in life bring immaculate growth if we allow Him to work in that pain. Genesis 2:5 reminds me that we need those growing pains in order to flourish. “Then the Lord planted a garden.” Genesis 2:8

“He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nose, and the man became a living person.” Genesis 2:7 reminds me that we literally have His breath in us. He created us with His very breath. I love that thought. It also reminds me that others have His breath of life in them too. When I think about that, it brings me to a place of so much love for others. We are all walking and breathing HIS breath! Love it!

These two things remind me that we need the rain from pain AND His breath for those beautiful gardens in our lives to happen. It is vital for growth to happen in us and for us!

In the middle of the garden is a tree that gives the knowledge of good and evil. We always have a choice. We all know the story of Eve choosing poorly and that just reminds me that we, too, have choices in life. What choices will you make today?

Then my favorite scripture in Genesis 2, “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is right for Him.” Genesis 2:18. This scripture reminds me that God is most definitely relational. Hello, women were made for the purpose of bringing relationship and community into Adam’s life! He believes in commitment, relationship and marriage!

I hope this blesses you today and brings some simple, yet profound, reminders into your life today!

Be blessed.

Maybe It's Not Them Leaving The Church.....

I recently read this article and thought it was amazing.  It came in my inbox at a time that I feel like I'm seeing things differently and this post helped me to feel....not so alone in this new step in my Christian walk.

If you disagree, no worries. This world is full of different opinions and outlooks.  This is just one that I ......now agree with. Had somebody showed this post to me a year or two ago, I would have been appalled and frankly very upset but today....wow, I relate.

NINE REASONS DISCERNING WOMEN ARE LEAVING YOUR CHURCH

Maybe it’s not that discerning women are leaving the church**, but that the church is leaving them.

I Don't Do Unhealthy: I Trusted Too Easily

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8

This scripture used to always confuse me.  I didn't understand how a God who believed in community and relationship so much could warn us about trusting others.  It wasn't until I was in high school and I was brutally betrayed by a close friend that I knew what this scripture was telling me.  I put more trust in those relationships and in those girls never lying to me, rejecting me and making me feel accepted than I did in the One who will never lie to me, reject me and will always accept me.  

I realized as I got older that people will hurt us, no matter how amazing or loving the relationship is and that's why we have to take refuge in the Lord over man.  The amazing part about this scripture is that it's not meant for us to be cynical when it comes to trust but it's meant to 1) protect our hearts and 2) compel us to love others with a graceful heart.  If we have the Love of the Lord in us then it is easier for us to show grace to others.

  "As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace," 

1 Peter 4:10

Even though I knew this, I wasn't practicing it.  I was putting all of my trust into my relationships, expecting them to live up to this high standard that I placed upon them.  I was feeling completely rejected when they would hurt me in any way, leaving me walking with pain and bitterness.  I was letting people in too soon and getting upset when I finally got to know them and realized they were not people I needed to be friends with or have in my close circle and when I would finally realize this, I would be angry with them and couldn't love them the way God has called me to love others.  

Going into new relationships wisely isn't to frustrate us but to protect us and the other person.  We can't trust too easily or quickly.  We have to walk into new relationships guarding our heart and getting to know a person so that way we don't end up hurting them if we find that this isn't a person that should be in our close circle and vice versa.  None of us are perfect so we need to be protected as well if for some reason another person decides we don't belong in their close circle.  Views are different and sometimes beliefs can cause us to decide it's time to move on from a relationship.  We can eliminate all of this pain if we stop trusting too easily and jumping into relationships without getting to know somebody.  

Get to know the person's beliefs, watch how they treat others and most of all ask yourself if this is somebody you would trust with your children or husband.  If you aren't married, ask yourself if this is somebody who will help you to live a pure and peaceful single life.  Read scripture and find out what God wants in friends for us. Pray and ask God if He approves of the friendship blossoming and be obedient to His whisper.  

Trusting others isn't a bad thing but it is something we should do wisely.  So much pain could be eliminated in other's lives if we learned to do this.  I'm praying for you and praying for trust to be a precious and fragile part of who you are so that you don't give it away too easily! 

Stay tuned for "I Didn't Let Wisdom Guide"

I Don't Do Unhealthy: Rejection - Letting Go Of the Chase

"Eliminate unhealthy relationships and focus on healthy ones. Honestly consider the value of each of your current relationships. Pray for the wisdom to determine which people in your life right now either are or aren’t worthy of your trust, time, and energy. Ask yourself who influences your life in positive ways, as well as who impacts it in negative ways. Let go of unhealthy relationships and focus only on people with whom you truly have safe and positive relationships. From now on, choose to invest only in relationships in which you can participate in a healthy flow of mutual commitment and contribution." - Crosswalk

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THIS 👐

I can't explain to you how much this solidified some of the things I had been praying about since I returned home from Texas. Something about my trip to Texas completely changed my heart, my spirit and my mind.  I feel peaceful and enlightened and have walked with a renewed hope.  God is SO AMAZING how He brings everything to the forefront and how He orchestrates it all to work out for our good.  He DOES MAKE BEAUTY OUT OF ASHES!!!! Thank You Jesus! 

With that being said, one of the things he has been working in my heart about is, my ability to let anybody and everybody into my close circle. I continue to chase the people who reject me, I trust too easily, I forgive without allowing wisdom to guide the relationship after forgiveness and I support anybody and everybody and their dreams without asking myself if I need to support at close range or step away and support from a distance (might not make sense written out but it does in my head haha).

The next few days, I will be elaborating on each of these components because I think it's important for us to share our experiences with one another.  If somebody has or is going through what I have, then maybe I can help and vice versa!  I want to share what God has moved in me over the past couple of weeks and why these things can be dangerous to us emotionally, physically and most of all spiritually!  

I ALLOW ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY INTO MY CLOSE CIRCLE

Why would we do this y'all?  There are so many scriptures that support us NOT doing this yet Christians tend to do this more often than not because it is ingrained in our minds that we are to love and be kind (which we should).  However, we can love and be kind without allowing people into our closest most inner thoughts.  We must be "choosy" about who we allow into those most precious places in the deepest most purest core of our inner being.  The enemy is lurking and is capable of using anybody to speak death into our dreams and into our lives and family's lives (even if it's not directly to us).  Yes, we are to love but I've said it time and time before, sometimes loving from a distance is a more precious and sacred love because it allows us to separate ourselves from the pain of rejection and hurt and allows us to give those emotions to God and move on.  Separation isn't always a bad thing and God sometimes needs that separation between two people in order to work.  

Even Jesus had an inner circle!

I was literally sharing my most inner thoughts, my precious heart, my complete trust and parts of my life that are sacred with people who have shown me time and time again that they don't really care about a relationship with me.  So, in essence, I was allowing myself to be rejected over and over again..... and over and over again....and over....(you get the picture).  Which brings me to my first lesson:

I Continued to Chase the People Who Rejected Me

“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you." Josh 15:18

Ugh, rejection.  One of the ugliest feelings in the world.  It's one that Jesus must have felt over and over again.  It hurts my heart to think about the pain he must of endured, all for me....all for us! What's amazing though is the beauty that God makes out of rejection.  

"As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious,"

 1 Peter 2:4

"The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone." Psalm 118:22

For me, that beauty is that rejection has brought me into a deeper relationship with Him.  A relationship that's beauty is beyond any earthly friendship that I can ever imagine.  The beauty rejection has done for me is that it helped me to understand that not everybody is meant to be in my life or me in theirs......and THAT IS OK!  That is how it is supposed to be.  There are only a select few people that God wants in our deepest part of us and rejection allows Him to weed out the ones who are not supposed to be in there.  So, for the first time ever, I am SO thankful for REJECTION!!!!  I know it's so cliche' but it's so true, "Rejection is protection!"  So, at some point, we HAVE TO STOP chasing that in which He is trying to separate us from.  We have to STOP chasing the rejection.  How crazy is it that sometimes we CHASE the rejection?  Well, it stops today!  I hope you will join me! 

Every time I think about rejection, I think about the story of Leah and Rachel and what rejection did in their story.  Have you ever just felt so left out, so unchosen, so rejected?  I have.  Up until recently, I felt that day in and day out.  I can truly say that God has finally delivered me from the past rejections I have encountered.  I have found forgiveness, peace, love and the strength and courage to let go.  I had to let go of the hurt feelings and most of all I had to let go of the chase.   

Stay tuned for "I Trusted Too Easily"..... 

God Searches For His Sheep

Ezekiel y'all!! I dove into Ezekiel 34 this morning and I'm so thankful that the Lord led me to this wonderful book. One of the things that has grieved my heart the past few months is the world today. And not just the world outside of Christ but the world of Christianity as well. The Bible warns us of the false teachers that surround us and it's been something that has hurt my heart more than words can even describe.

I worked at a church full time and once a week had the amazing honor of being Pastor on call, so I know first hand that there are so many hurting and hungry people out there searching for hope and searching for answers. With such an enormous amount of lost hurting people, I'm realistic and wise enough to know that this means easy prey for lots of predators. The devil knew that this would be the case and while God is raising up legit leaders, the enemy is raising up false teachers.

So as I've studied false teachers and signs to be aware of over the past few months, I have asked God many hard questions. I knew when He was ready and when I was ready to receive the answers, that He would answer. Don't you just LOVE HIS LOVE!? This morning, I received that comfort and peace I had been searching for in my studying of false teachers. Ezekiel 34 happened to me this morning and my heart couldn't be more at peace.

Ezekiel 34 teaches us that there is so much hope for those who have been led astray by false teachers. It reminded me and gave me hope that He has taken care of these details that sometimes get overlooked. Leaders are like shepherds to God and I know that the same God who rescued then is the same God who will rescue now. He sees the shepherds now who are misleading like He saw them in the past. "This is what the Lord God says: I am against the shepherds. I will blame them for what has happened to my sheep and will not let them tend the flock anymore. Then the shepherds will stop feeding themselves, and I will take my flock from their mouths and so they will no longer be their food." Ezekiel 34:10

My questions to God have been questions about the innocent ones. "What about the ones who are hungry and lost but know no better?" He answers that for me in Ezekiel 34:11-12, "This is what the Lord God says: I, myself, will search for my sheep and take care of them. As a shepherd takes care of his scattered flock when it is found, I will take care of my sheep. I will save them from all the places where they were scattered on a cloudy and dark day." Of course He is going to take care of the innocent and of course He is going to hand pick His children from the grips of evil before it's too late. Thank You Jesus for loving your people the way you do! Thank you for giving my heart peace in a world of false teachers preying on lost souls.

As Darin and I continue our journey in a new state, I know that God is protecting us from false teachers. I have been so timid in the new search for a new church that the process has been a slow movement. But that's OK. After reading Ezekiel, I no longer feel rushed to look nor do I feel fear to look. I know He will guide us, protect us and (if needed) rescue us!!!

Accountability and Separation Equals True Love

Friendships and business partnerships are a tricky thing. We should always make sure we know who we really are entrusting our lives and businesses with. If they are not living right behind closed doors, they WILL tarnish your family name, business name, and reputation. Not to mention the spiritual harm it can do to yourself, your circle of influence and that person. 

Often times we feel like in order to love, we must not turn them away. This kind of thinking is foolish thinking. Yes, we are called to love but real love is holding others accountable and not turning a blind eye to their sin. I wouldn't be where I am today spiritually if it weren't for the people who exhibited true Godly love toward me. They loved me enough to hold me accountable and yes, sometimes had to love me from a distance because of my ways. Did it hurt? Yes, ABSOLUTELY!! But it taught me a valuable lesson and it made me realize that people I loved deserved better than who I was giving them!

I was giving them a pretend "christian" who said all the right things at the right times. I would pretend to turn away from my sin and put on a good "christian" show for others. I lived half way in the world and half way in church raising my hands in praise. I look back at who I was many many years ago and I'm SO thankful for the ones who didn't live in the delusion of who I pretended to be. They used the powerful discernment God had gifted them with and used it for His good. They loved me with truth and God's Word. They were obedient to what He says. He commanded them to stay separated from somebody like me and their obedience worked out for my good as well. We can't ignore the guidance He gives us in scripture. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Loving others doesn't mean you have to give them your complete all or trust them with everything and everybody in your life. Scripture teaches us to watch our company. We can still love others without putting our own family, other people's salvation or hard work at risk. In fact God guides us to stay away from them. Who in your life is needing some tough love? Who in your life is needing somebody to love them enough to sit them down and have a true and honest heart to heart? Who in your life are you putting too much trust in? Talk to God about it and seek His guidance. Read scripture and align what we are taught with your actions. Be brave today and LOVE somebody with TRUE GODLY LOVE. 

"Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm." Proverbs 13:20

"But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. ..." 2 Timothy 3:1-17

"I do not sit with men of falsehood, nor do I consort with hypocrites. I hate the assembly of evildoers, and I will not sit with the wicked." Psalm 26:4-5

What I'm Loving Wednesday - Weather, Happy Place and Family

I'm loving the beautiful weather here in Washington the past couple of days. It's normally rainy (which I DO LOVE) but the sunshine and spring atmosphere has been amazing as well!!!!

I'm loving that I have a supportive husband who took me to find my happy place this past weekend. My heart was hurting due to the death of a family member. We cross the St. John's bridge at least two times a week, so he decided to take me to explore the area. One of his friends from work told him there was a little park under the bridge. Indeed there was and indeed it was beautiful and indeed.....I found my happy place.

What I'm loving the most is God's amazing grace and peace. We lost Steve Reese this past weekend and it broke my heart. However, I know Steve is finally resting and in peace and that brings me joy. Thank You Jesus for loving him!

Cleansing This Lent Season

Ah, the season of Lent. I love it. It feels like a peaceful time of renewing and cleansing our spirit. It's a time of reflecting on who God is and what Jesus did for us on the cross. Lent year has been especially special for me this year. My birthday was yesterday, the first day of Lent. I have been preparing for this season and really diving into scripture and prayer. My heart has been healing for some time now. It's been over a year since our miscarriage and it's been a year of amazing growth in Him and with Him. Gah, I love Him so much. I wish you could look into my heart and get a view of my love for Him. He's done so much in my pain. He's loved me in ways I couldn't even try and describe to you.

With all this love He gives me, I have still struggled with acceptance. I have struggled with a complete need of being accepted from friends, past co-workers, family and acceptance with even myself. Recently I have been able to spend so much time with Him and I have realized this downfall I have. Believe it or not, I had no idea I struggled with such nonsense as needing to FEEL accepted. I emphasize the word "feel" because no matter how we "feel", we ARE accepted!! God accepts us and we have to replace truth with lies when it comes to our feelings. 

This Lent season, I am letting go of the need to be accepted and just living my life for Him and His love! The past few days I have made peace with the fact that not everybody will love me, like me, accept me, forgive me or even tolerate me. It's just a fact. We will never ever please everybody so it's time to appreciate and fully focus on HIS acceptance of me. Wow, y'all!! HE loves ME. HE likes ME. HE accepts ME. HE forgives ME. And HE even tolerates ME. I am the apple of His eye and if His eye is the only one I will ever be the apple of, I'm SO BLESSED! 

Cleansing in this area is tough. It's one I've been praying about for days and even weeks now. There are lots of changes that comes with this type of cleansing. Lots of relationships that must shift because of the amount of idolatry I placed their acceptance at. Yes, you read that right. Idolatry. I realized that I idolized certain people's acceptance; just waiting on it, praying on it, hoping for it and then sadly being pained when the rejection came. God does not want me to live that way. He needs me to be me and to walk in the fullness of His love no matter who in this world rejects me. He suffered from rejection and died on the cross so that I wouldn't be rejected. Other's hate will never ever matter or make a difference in His purpose and calling on my life. The truth is y'all, we are made by Him, for Him and in His image. 

So cleansing is taking place in my life this season. I'm not quite sure what that looks like yet but I know He will tell me when it's time. He will guide me and I will be obedient. Thank You Jesus for all you have done for us. My heart is completely full and at peace because of You. 

Let Them Stand Alone In The Conflict

"You don't have to resolve conflict with every person. Some people don't want to be at peace with you. Don't waste your time fighting battles that don't matter. Only God's approval matters." Unknown

Conflict. Disapproval. Bitterness. Unforgiveness. Resentment. These words can describe some of the ugliest emotions and chains we put ourselves in. We allow something somebody said or did to us to completely rule who we are and what we stand for. We can't truly completely love like God if we are holding on to any of these awful things. We can't love even ourselves if we aren't loving others.....EVEN if others refuse to forgive you, refuse to move forward with you in love, refuse to accept their own mistakes and painful actions and even if they want to continue point the finger at your faults and your wrongs.

If you have been in conflict with somebody, you have to come to a point where you leave that person alone in that conflict. You make the decision to step out of it and move forward with your own life. It's OK if somebody doesn't want to resolve and have restoration with you. It doesn't mean you are bad or that you are unloved. It means that person is happy in the conflict and it's time to separate yourself because that relationship will be forever unhealthy and ungodly. Their opinion of you will NEVER ever take away God's love for you. It's a battle that isn't yours to fight and needs to be handed over to Him. He will fill that void of lost love and He will always approve of you and love you!

Don't walk away angry, or in hate or bitterness. Forgive and love from a distance. Sometimes that space is what God needs to work in both hearts! He is a God of love and restoration and sometimes we have to give Him the space and time to work!

I'm doing this today. I'm walking away from the hurt I have shackled myself to. I am no longer living in my own guilt or past mistakes. I have hurt people. I am not perfect, neither are you. I too have been hurt but I forgive you. I also forgive myself. Your conflict with me is no longer my concern and you are standing in that conflict alone. I am finally freeing myself from guilt, pain, other people's disapproval and walking into His loving arms and acceptance! Other's words and opinions of me can no longer hurt me because I.AM.HIS.

"Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil." Ephesians 4:26-27

Ending 2016 and Walking Into A New Season

Where do I begin with 2016......On the outside, I would be justified in saying this was the worst year of my life and in a way, that's very true. However, serving the kind of loving God that I do, He has made it all beautiful and for His glory! I love Him so much! There are so many things about 2016 that were terrible, heart breaking, suffocating.....but I wouldn't change one thing. It was the year of MAJOR growth, spiritual redirection and divine appointments with God. His thumbprint is on every moment of this year! I leave 2016 with complete thanksgiving and gratitude! Thank You Daddy for your amazing love for me! Thank You for your gifts of growth, change, mercy and grace! My love for you grew deeper this year and I pray that it only continues!!!

January 4th, the day that is embedded in my heart. I remember every moment, every word and every emotion of that morning at the doctor's office. The words "you're pregnant but Crystal, it appears that you are miscarrying," ring in my ears to this day, almost a year later. The drive home was so surreal. Darin and I had been on fertility medicine for two months. How could the joy of hearing "you are pregnant" be followed with such tragic and heart wrenching news? I was devastated. I was heart broken. I was confused. I was hurting. "You Are Not Alone" by Kari Jobe came on the radio.....it was like God was reminding me that through the pain, through the confusion....He was with me. I suddenly felt peace in my heartbreak. I knew the days ahead would be hard but I had assurance from the beginning, He was with me every step of the way.

The days following were a blur. I slept a lot. I cried a lot. I was mourning.

I was soon able to write a letter to my baby. This was the first time I started to feel a small step towards healing.

I learned a lot in this grieving season. I learned how to "Just Be".....how to just be in the moment of brokenness without trying to fix it myself. I learned how to just be silent and allow Him to embrace me in my pain. I learned that not having all the answers is "ok" because I serve the one who does! I learned that I don't have to be everything to everybody because I am just me.....and sometimes, I am broken and can't.....and that doesn't make me a bad person. I learned that sometimes saying "no" is loving myself, my marriage and my growth with God. I learned that I just need to be me and who I am in the season I am in and that the people who really belong in my life will be right there with me when all is said and done.....even if it means that I need distance and space for a moment. I learned SO much about the true meaning of relationships; with others, with myself and with God.

March brought some amazing joy!! My mother and step-father FINALLY got married! After years of praying for them to seal their relationship with marriage, they DID IT!!!! It was such a joyful moment in our family!!! A moment that made 2016 beautiful and reminded me that God is faithful!

Through the loss of our first child, Project Purpose was birthed. One of the things I was so saddened by with our loss is that we would never be able to see our child live out his God given purpose. I made a promise to myself that I would give his short life purpose! Project Purpose started out as my cause for the Mrs. Texas pageant but has formed into something amazing! Project Purpose is about helping others walk in purpose by encouraging, inspiring and giving back to the community. On June 9th, I realized that this was more than a cause but it was a mission!

July 5th, I had an ovarian cyst rupture. That cyst rupture would be the cause to a domino effect of health problems that lasted until mid November. Talk about frustration! The rupture caused my hiatal hernia to inflame, which would then cause my esophagus to inflame, which would then cause a TON of physical pain for months to come. I was in and out of doctor's appointments, tests, ER visits....it was a nightmare. In the midst of trying to find out what was going on with my body, the doctor's found a lump in my breast which turned out to be a cyst, which caused another set of doctor's visits and honestly.....another set of big fears! Thankfully, everything turned out fine. I'm on some meds and getting back on track with life and GREAT health!!!! God is good and even though I was frustrated and in physical pain, I felt God close to me. He was near me, leaning into me more than ever and I Him. Our relationship grew deeper in these moments of sickness.

It was in these months that I dove into scripture like never before and it was in these months that my spiritual life would be redirected. I started to view things so differently. I realized that things I thought were important really were not! I loved working in the church but it wasn't what my heart desired any more, the mission I was working for wasn't what God wanted for me in this season. I realized that spiritually, I was heading in the wrong direction. A direction that God doesn't want for me as a Christian. I idolized too much. I idolized worldly ways to reach out to the lost and expected worldly ideas and creativity to be what captured their hearts. I put God in a box and didn't use scripture and His love be what captured the hearts of those who didn't know Him. I followed the masses of using pop culture, worldly creativity and idols to guide me. I was so wrong. It was in my sickness that I truly found what God wanted for me. As Christians, we should be helping the elderly, loving on the sick, visiting the incarcerated, giving to the orphaned and feeding the homeless. I realized, I had been doing it wrong. My Christianity had been about what something looked like from the outside and not about what God saw in the inside. God changed me even more during these months and it hurt like crazy. It hurt bad because I felt like I had let Him down my years of being a Christian.

It has taken some time to forgive myself but I'm thankful for a God who forgives me because He has taught me in these past few months that He loves me and I am worthy of forgiveness. He has reminded me that it isn't the journey that matters but that I get there. I still have SO much to learn and I realize that in a few more years maybe even weeks or months, there will be another growth spurt and I will realize I had gotten something wrong again but I will embrace that! God WANTS us to seek Him consistently....and even if it takes days, weeks or even years.....He wants us to GET it! So, I will keep seeking Him and leaning into Him!

My last day at the church was December 14th. It was a bitter sweet day but obedience isn't always easy. I was saying goodbye to an amazing church family and a job I loved dearly! My love for God will always be stronger though and I had to be courageous in walking into the next season! God will never ever ask us to let go of something without a reason or without giving us something back! He is a loving God like that! I grew so much and learned so much in the past two years of working at the church. I was surrounded by people who led and taught me. It is the only church I have ever been a member at and I will forever be thankful for the people, learning and growth that took place there.

My husband and I are walking into not just a new year but a new season! We are leaving behind so much heartache and valleys in 2016 but walking into 2017 with so much growth, wisdom and new beginnings! I pray for all of you to look back at this past year and see how God used the good and bad moments for your good. I pray your 2017 is a year that brings joy and happiness and growth! God never promised us this life would be easy but He promised us that He would never leave us! He really does make beauty out of ashes!!! I believe that....I'm living that.

Eliminate the Fan In You

In a world full of skewed values, constant hate and selfish motives, we need to do everything we can to eliminate just being a "fan" of Jesus. You might be asking yourself right now, "what does she mean by being a 'fan' of Jesus, I love Jesus .......isn't that good enough?" The truth is that loving Jesus and being a true follower of Jesus are two totally different things and as Christians, we need to do both.

There was a time in my life where I was on the fence in my christian walk. I had one foot in and one foot out flirting with a worldly lifestyle. One day after a night out at the bars I got home, hopped on social media and saw that a friend had posted this quote, I would love to say reading this quote about Christians being the cause of atheism shifted something in me.....but it didn't. In my warped mind of thinking I was still doing right because I was going to church every Sunday, I said to myself "Yeah! You hypocrites, you are turning people away from Christ!" and then I reposted it. So my page for that weekend was as follows...."Wooo having fun with the girls" (at a bar, I didn't have a drink in my hand, just the other girls did so I was good", "Wooooo ran into these cute boys" (I wasn't making out with any of them and again, no beer in my hand. My clothes were a little questionable but who cares, I'm not showing them that I am drinking), then a repost of the awesome quote about hypocrite Christians, next my sweet post about how church service was awesome.....but it didn't stop there because it was "Sunday Fun day" and I had to go celebrate at the bars a few hours after church. Sad huh?

I was lost. I was so totally and utterly lost that I had NO idea what I was doing to myself, other lost people, other people still on the fence or most importantly my walk with God. I was hurting myself more than what I would have been had I just been all in to a sinful world of unbelieving. Sounds harsh but it's true and scripture tells us this too:

"But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" Revelation 3:16

That scripture scares me but I didn't get it until a loving person in my small group at the time (yes, I was attending a small group in between my nights out bar and club hopping) pulled me to the side and said, "I'm saying this out of love because I know you want to be a vessel for Christ but I have to tell you, you're doing it wrong and I want you to read this scripture...." She then lovingly and with so much wisdom in her every word explained to me that this scripture was a warning to all of us and that this scripture alone tells us that it isn't enough to just say I love Him but I have to show it to Him every single day and I have to reach the lost and unloved by living a lifestyle that HONORS God. And then she broke it to me, I was not living a lifestyle that honored myself or the One who gave His only begotten Son for me. That evening shook my world. I had so many mixed emotions; hurt, anger, pain, resentment, bitterness, guilt, conviction, sadness.....and I finally hit my knees and asked for complete forgiveness and a complete surrender. I told God that I was SO sorry for all the lost people that I confused with my behavior, out at the bars and clubs one night then church the next. How I must have confused so many people or even worse......turned them away from the most beloved Father.

I spent many weeks not talking to anybody. I had so much to sort out in my mind, my heart and in my life. All of my friends lived the half in and half out lifestyle and didn't understand what I was trying to tell them when I started declining nights out. I would ask them to come over and watch a movie instead and would literally get laughed at. So, I knew I needed to make LOTS of drastic changes in my life, sadly even cutting off relationships with some people. But I had finally hit that sweet spot where I really understood and I finally GOT IT and I was willing to do anything and everything to please Him and be obedient. I needed to get my heart right and my lifestyle in good standing with Him.

I finally came to a place where I yielded my whole life to Him. I realized that when we truly have Christ upon our lives, our untamed and sinful natures are brought under His control. We no longer desire the things of the flesh above pleasing Him. My single loneliness would no longer trump my love for Him. I stopped going out, I stopped dating the wrong guys and started dating my beloved God. I fell in love with Him and started to dive into the Word so much that it was a part of my very being. I felt hungry and I had never felt that before. He was truly my best friend and the Father I respected and honored with every part of my life. I was no longer just His fan.

"Whoever loves pure thoughts and kind words will have even the King as a friend." Proverbs 22:11

If you are struggling with being one foot in and foot out, trust me, you are not ever too far gone for Him. Surrender it ALL to Him and be obedient to how He wants you to live. Will it be easy, nothing worth having ever is; you will probably lose some relationships, you will go through times of loneliness and the temptation will creep back in but you have to fight it. I would fight everything with the Word. I got lonely, I dove into my Bible and prayer. I started to feel left out from the big night out to celebrate someone's birthday, I dove into my Bible and prayer and celebrated my positive changes with my Father. Everything always went back to Him and that is the moment my whole life shifted. God started to really use me to minister to people, He started to give me vision of what my purpose was, He started to open doors to work in ministry and to love on others in a way that was so deep and meaningful. He finally trusted me to do His work.

Don't be just His fan. He wants SO much more for you and for your relationship with Him. We can't have true relationship with Him if we are hurting His heart every other weekend. Does He forgive us and love us even in that season, absolutely! But it doesn't mean He wants us to stay there! Time to surrender! Time to change! Time to stop being His fan and being His daughters and sons!

Permission To Not Fulfill Expectations

What a year my soul has had. It would be an understatement to say, I'm ready for 2017 to come. 2016 started off rough - we lost our precious baby on January 4th and I couldn't have been more devastated. My faith was tested and stretched. I would love to say the rest of the year has been amazing....but I can't, it has been miraculous. Not in the everything turned out great, life is going wonderful kinda way but in the my faith was tested and my spirit was stretched and grown kinda way. You see, on the outside this year has seemed terrible, horrible....traumatic one might say but in the spiritual and inner growth way, it's been the best year of my life! I have learned, I have grown....I.have.changed.

From loss, to breast cancer scare, to infertility, to stomach problems, to medical procedures, to heartache....to God. All to God. My heart has turned all to Him. I battled depression and still find myself having to be intentional about not going there. I have had to cling to God some nights so that I didn't drown in my own thoughts and He has been there. He's been there to teach me, to grow me....to comfort me.

Recently I went through a time of grieving the relationships I let down in my year of roller coaster. I was carrying guilt like no other. I let friends down, I backed off certain projects so that I could breathe and grieve, I wasn't there for people when maybe I should have been.....and I started to feel a tremendous amount of guilt. This guilt weighed on me for some days. Until God....

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." Proverbs 17:17

The night before last, I woke up with a heaviness on my heart and a pain in my stomach.....the guilt had returned. I walked downstairs and had a glass of milk as this tends to help my tummy these days. I sat on the recliner and I felt the Lord send me to Proverbs 17:17. I read it and weeped. You see, I had been feeling so terribly guilty for allowing my own depression to keep me from being the best friend I can be but the Lord wanted to show me, I was in a season of need. He wanted to remind me that I too need a strong friend from time to time who will not expect anything from me and just let me be in this season. I have needed to have the room to be late to functions, reschedule.....or even cancel because I can't seem to muster up the energy to even fix my hair let alone brush my teeth and look half way decent. I have needed the room to fail BIG and produce small. I have needed a season of zero expectations from people around me and I had to come to terms with that being OK and that I needed to have zero expectations of myself as well. In this season, it's ok.

I have learned so much about myself and my relationships have been tested and stretched this whole year and I'm SO thankful for that. God has revealed so much beauty to me and has given me permission to "just be" in this season. I'm so truly thankful for a God who makes ALL things beautiful and who takes our guilt and turns it around! I'm thankful for the friends who allowed me to just be this year. I'm thankful for the ones who have allowed me to fail with no judgment, no anger or rejection. I'm thankful to those who pulled me in closer by giving me the space and breathing room I needed to emotionally and physically heal. I'm truly thankful for this unconditional kind of love I received from true, inspiring and amazing family and friends!

My promise to you, I too will give you this space and time if you are ever in a season where you just need "to be". My compassion meter has been elevated and I get it!

Friendship is beautiful but it's so true when they say you find out who your real friends are when you are going through troubles. Thank You Jesus for this revelation. Thank You for giving me permission to not live up to other people's expectations. Thank You Jesus for not expecting anything of me this season but a complete surrender and trust in You.

Love Without You

This morning in my Bible study, God gave me this quote that I couldn't shake off until I wrote it down, "We can never truly love others until we truly can see past ourselves." God is so amazing how He works 'cause shortly after I wrote that quote down, I ran across this scripture:

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus."Philippians 2:1-5

Is that confirmation that He was truly speaking to me, or what? As I read this scripture a flood of different emotions filled my spirit; joy, anger, sadness, confusion, happiness, thankfulness....all went through me at once. Why would I feel all of these emotions? I'lll share because maybe you can relate! I felt joy in the thought of being united with Christ and finding comfort in His love. Anger that sometimes when I need tenderness and compassion that it isn't given to me by others. Sadness that sometimes I, myself, do not value others above myself. Happiness and thankfulness at the thought that even though I fail in this every single day, God still beacons me to have the same mindset as He. He doesn't beacon me to this because He thinks I'm this great human being that has super powers but because He knows He designed me perfectly. He knows that in my heart of hearts, I have a heart that beats as His own and blood that flows through my veins as His. 

So many times we get caught up in our own story, in our own feelings and in our own thoughts that we forget to love like Him. We forget that somebody is hurting, somebody is grieving, somebody is battling real battles that mean something to them. I'm learning this. I'm learning that my own story isn't all that's going on in the world. Somewhere somebody has just lost a parent or a sibling. Somewhere somebody's husband has committed adultery and has abandoned the family. Somewhere a child is hungry and sick with nobody to love them or care for them. There is hurt and tragedy all around us and all I know to do is to love without limits and love without boundaries because the world needs it! The world needs it now more than ever!

We have to learn to love without our own issues in the mix.....we have to love because God loves. We have to be intentional about seeing others the way God sees them. His love is so selfless and inspiring that I can't help but desire His heart. Today, I encourage you to love with a God heart! 

When I Stretch, He Stretches

God, what an amazing Father we have. I have never been able to wrap my mind around how much He loves us and embraces us. It takes a humble heart to reach out to Him and seek Him. I was asked not too long ago what made me think God was real because when she has been in trouble, He was no where to be seen. I sat down and asked her if she told Him she needed Him and she replied with "no, if He is God then He should know I need Him but He never comes."

This is often people's reaction to God not just rescuing us when we need rescuing. The truth is God is a gentle God and He only comes when we invite Him in. I'm not sure why this is so hard for us to grasp. Sadly, this is the very thing that keeps others from reaching out to Him and saying, "God, I NEED you so much. Please come." There's this pride that sets in our very spirit that expects Him to just know we need Him and we expect Him there right then because we deserve it. Sadly, He does know but we never invite Him to come and our pride keep us from Him.

When we humble ourselves to the need our soul has of Him is when God reveals His presence the most. We might get His whispers and tiny nudges but man, when we earnestly seek Him, He becomes more active in our lives than we can even imagine. When we stretch out to Him is when He will stretch out to us the most! Thank you Daddy for being a gentle Father and loving me so patiently and boldly!

A Prayer For Wives

This morning I was in the Word and spending time with God and as I was praying for my husband I just felt a heaviness on me. The burden in my heart caused me to intercede for wives in this generation. The world tries to teach us that even in marriage, we as women are "independent" and "have our own mind". These things are true but the world twists it and causes many women to lose respect and honor in their husband and marriage. I wanted to share some things to pray for if you are a woman striving to be the best Godly wife you possibly can be! You are called to be a loving and kind wife who prepares her home for her family! It's in each of us and we can only do it with Him.

Dear Lord,

Give me a heart that views my husband the way you view Him. Give me your heart for him and teach me how to respect and honor him, especially during the times he has failed me or our marriage.

Help me to be an honoring wife that you are proud of. I desire for you to look at me and smile because you know that I am loving your son with the best heart and with a heart that lives for you and only you.

Help me to place my husbands needs, dreams and desires above my own. Help me to let go of resentment when things do not go my way and to trust that decisions are based on the family as a whole and not just me or not just him. Help me to speak up with love and respect when I need to and to stay quiet when I need to.

Help me to take care of our home and run it well. Help me to strive everyday to make our home a place of peace, joy and comfort. Let our home be the one place that my husband feels safe in.

Help me to keep myself healthy and strong for my husband. Help me to desire to look nice for him and to dress modest around others. I never want to leave my husband questioning whose attention I am trying to capture when I walk out the door, so give me discernment on items of clothing that are not pleasing to you Father.

Help me to speak wisely and kind at home, outside of the home, to others and about others. Give me a gentle heart that flows through my tongue and always speaks love and encouragement. Guide me to have a speech that always exhibits who you are in me. Help me to live out Ephesians 4:32 daily dear Lord.

Thank you for the gift of marriage and for allowing me to be the wife of your amazing son.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

High Five For Friday ~ Movie Night, God and New Seasons

High Five For Friday One:

Lazy day today.

Enough said.

High Five For Friday Two:

THIS is happening tonight!!! Cannot wait!

High Five For Friday Three:

Life. Life is amazing and God awes me. The things he has been teaching me lately are amazing! The chains He has been setting me free from are outrageous! Keep it coming Daddy, I want all the freedom You have for me!!!!

High Five For Friday Four:

Check out my most recent blog on the Prize 31 blog.

http://prize31.com/move/

High Five For Friday Five:

Our new loft is coming together. We still have boxes everywhere but the newness of this season is a promise that everything will be put into place soon! God is good!

Life Coaching Certification Study Day

I absolutely love working on my life coaching certification! I'm learning so much and ready to serve many in this capacity! If you haven't ever spoken with a Life Coach, you are missing out! Talking to a Life Coach transformed my life! Email me if you are interested in a free consultation, caddis@trinitytoday.com! :)

Cryssie's Updates - Kairos, Pageants, Trips, Girlfriends, And Parentals

Life has been so much fun with growing and Jesus! I can't get over how much He loves us! I attended a Kairos at my church and it was amazing! I really handed over a lot of my recent pain from the miscarriage my husband and I experienced and the fears of never being able to carry a child to full term. I was drowned with fear and shame and God did an amazing work in me once I surrendered it all to Him and allowed Him to work! He is so amazing! The greatest thing about going through this is going through this with amazing girlfriends! The hubby would have been with us too but he had terrible migraines and had to stay home.

The past few months have been full of fun and excitement and a lot of that comes from my Mrs. Lubbock reign and title! I attended the Mrs. Texas pageant in Dallas and we got to see my father-in-law AKA Pappy since he lives there. We had SO MUCH FUN! I experienced my FIRST In-And-Out burger and it was AMAZING!

Then we hit the zoo!!!

Then of course the awesome Mrs. Texas pageant! I wasn't competing this year but I got to see some awesome competition on stage and it fired me up for next year's Mrs. Texas pageant!

I also judged a Junior Miss and Miss Crosbyton pageant! It was my first pageant to judge and I had SO much fun! I hope I am able to judge more pageants in the future!!!

I recently signed on to volunteer for Her Legacy. After attending a Girlfriends and Chocolate Benefit they held, I fell in love with the vision and with the amazing leadership team! I went with some of my girlfriends and we had SO MUCH FUN!

The greatest part of the the spring season thus far has been standing next to my mom as she married her best friend for 30 plus years. It was a beautiful wedding and it was so much fun to celebrate her and my dad and to see them FINALLY TIE THE KNOT! It was a fun day! It's been a fun couple of months celebrating them as a couple and of course celebrating my mom for her birthday and for mother's day! God is good and He created mothers to show us His love in many ways!

High Five For Friday - Rain Boots, Growth, And Yoga

High Five For Friday One

I got to wear my rain boots ALL WEEK!!!!!!! I love the rain and the cold weather, so I was in heaven this week! I'm a little sad that it is supposed to heat up this weekend but on the other hand, I get to ride my bike, so I'm good! ;)

High Five For Friday Two

Life has been full of change and growth and it's been awesome! I am diving more in the Word and into Him and learning to minister to people His way! I love that God uses our very pain to grow us into who He created us to be!

High Five For Friday Three

Lazy day. That is all.

High Five For Friday Four

Yoga later today! I am loving yoga so much! It's so peaceful and relaxing and helping with my posture for the Mrs. Texas pageant and I need all the help I can get! :)

High Five For Friday Five

I will start volunteering for Her Legacy soon and I'm so excited. I had dinner with the director last night and she is AMAZING! Her Legacy is a women's christian advocacy ministry and they are so amazing. You can look them up at www.herlegacy.org to learn more about them!