Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Here lately I have been battling my mitral valve prolapse symptoms again. I had it under control for a while but somehow I allowed myself to let go of all that I had worked on for so long and start to feel the negative impact of it. I learned to eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle by drinking less sodas and more water and exercising more. I learned to pray more and complain less and be who I wanted to be physically and spiritually. I spent many years learning and growing and developing into the woman of God I had always wanted to be.
Living in North West Arkansas allowed me to be on my own and find out what kind of person I wanted to be and who I wanted to be. I learned how to make amazing friends and maintain those amazing friendships. I really got a grasp of all the things my Mom would tell my sister and me and try and teach us! I learned what worked and what didn't work and what hurt people and how to treat people. I learned what made me happy and what did not. I learned that what and who we surround ourselves with can really make an impact on our lives. I learned some hard lessons but I know God had and still has some great plans for me because He NEVER gave up on me. No matter what bad choices I made or how or who I hurt in the process of growing, He never once turned His back on me. He allowed me to continue to learn and grow and boy have I learned. My point to all of this is that sometimes we tend to let go of those hard lessons and resort back to somebody we used to be, somebody we did not particularly like. I recently did that. Thank God it was only a snippet of who I used to be but it was enough to wake me up and make me realize where I was heading.....again.
Going back to my heart condition. Physically, I have been having major heart pains. I have been dizzy, having black outs again, feeling the massive chest pains that just won't go away, and feeling exhausted. These symptoms are all too familiar with me and have been a red flag that I am doing something wrong in my life again. I had to look at my diet, my stress levels, and what all is going on around me. In doing this, I realized that there are some things I need to let go of and things I need to change for my physical health. It also made me dig deep into my spiritual heart and my emotional heart. I have had to ask myself some tough questions lately about life. God is so amazing how He guides us to these things and how He answers questions and concerns we have. Over and over, I asked Him why I was having to go through these symptoms again of my heart condition. For so long, I have had it under control. I asked and He answered....
Last night before falling asleep, I prayed and asked God to please direct me to what I needed to do to get control of my symptoms again. I asked Him to reveal to me what eating habits I needed to change (again) and to bring to light what stressors were causing me so much anxiety for so long. I asked Him, why would a medicine that has been working so well need to be changed all of a sudden and what He wanted me to do. I prayed about the possibility of having surgery to repair my valve and if that may be, then give me the strength and peace to be "ok" with it. I prayed about so much more, what did I need to do to help get my heart back to good.
Little did I know; He has not been too happy with the condition of my spiritual and emotional heart and had some things to say to me about that even BIGGER topic.
My sister gave me a book a few months ago called "Dare To Be" by Natalie Grant. I opened it this morning after my morning Bible Study and today's devotional was entitled "Dare To Let It Go". I started reading it without even a second thought to the impact it would have on me or how God was about to use the next two pages to minister to me what He has been trying to minister to me for the past few weeks, probably even months. I want to share a little of what I feel is going to change my heart condition.....
"At some point in time, we all have the opportunity to be offended. We each have had those moments when people have either mistreated or misunderstood us. In those moments we have to decide; do we take the offense, or do we choose to let it go? I have done both, and I can tell you first hand that if you do 'take an offense' it will eventually 'take from you.' It will take your time, your emotions and peace. So today, I want to dare you to let it go." ~ Natalie Grant
".....the truth is, we can get so upset by another's judgement of our situation that we lose all perspective and want to settle the matter, often with no regard for the consequences this could bring." ~ Natalie Grant
"Your life is too valuable to waste on being bitter. So today, decide to be better. Let God's love heal you, let His forgiveness free you and embrace the peace that comes from letting it go. Choose to feed those things that give you life instead of those that take it from you. Dare to let it go, however hard it may seem. And when you do, you will not only let it go but you will also let your future grow." ~Natalie Grant
I can't even begin to tell you how powerful this was to me. Reading this opened my eyes to some things that have been emotionally and spiritually eating me up inside. It opened my eyes to some relationships that I have been trying to force to stay together despite the pain and chaos surrounding them. It opened my eyes to the symptoms of a heart that has not been loving the way God wants me to. It made me realize how some of these relationships and issues tend to TAKE from my life rather than giving me LIFE! I finally accepted that some things just aren't meant to be and sometimes loving from a distance is the only way to purely love somebody. Letting go of people and relationships doesn't always necessarily mean you don't love them any more or that either party is bad, it just means that something in the dynamic of the relationship is unhealthy to one or both parties and letting go is the only way to allow healing and restoration within ourselves. Sometimes the separation is only for a season and sometimes it is forever and if it is forever, that's ok. God has His reasons for not allowing restoration in the relationship but only allowing restoration in your heart. Letting go of a relationship is sometimes the only way to let go of an offense or a grudge or a pain that resulted in the relationship.
Letting go of a relationship hurts but hanging on and forcing something to work hurts even more. The unhealthiness never really goes away and often times it is covered up and never really dealt with but it is always there. It is always there waiting for another opportunity to show its ugly face to cause more pain and chaos. Letting go is not always a bad thing and sometimes it is the only way our hearts can heal and function properly. When we walk in pain and grief and stress, we tend to not be ourselves. We start to become people we do not want to be. We start to be that bitter person who finds fault in everything and everybody. We start to have a rotten heart who loses touch with how to love God's way. I don't want to be that person. I want to have a pure heart filled with so much love that a bad thought never even crosses my mind. I used to be that person who saw so little fault in others and saw nothing but good in a person. I am taking that girl back and getting my heart right again. It will require letting some offenses go and sadly, letting some relationships go. It is going to hurt but I know first hand, it is hurting more NOT letting go.
Maybe it will help my physical heart feel right again. If it does, AMEN!!!! If not, that's ok...... at least my emotional and spiritual heart will be in a good place to be able to face the physical aspects of it all and to me, that is so much more important. I want my heart right for God and I want my heart right for myself and I want my heart right for my future family. I want to start my marriage off right with an amazing heart for God so that I can love him and our children properly and be able to honor God with an awesome loving family.
I don't want any rotten or ugly in my heart or spirit...... I only want pure love and peace in it and starting today, that's what I will have!!!!
I hope this helps even just one person out there suffering with an unhealed heart. A healthy heart lets go. Sometimes that means letting go of sin, hatred, grudges, or even relationships......and sometimes it is letting go of them all. Only you and God can decide that. Just remember that He is with you and obedience is always key!!!!
God Bless! xoxo