So the past month has been a very up and down month and in the midst of it all I have realized my relationship with God is there but it isn't as deep as I want it to be or as it should be. I have kept Him in my life but I certainly lost my focus on Him. I have really began to realize a lot of things about myself and the battle has been a tough one this week. I never viewed myself as selfish and I don't think that I am....I can be just like everybody else but I don't believe it is a characteristic I can claim. I realized that me holding on so tight to trying NOT to be selfish for so long has been selfish. Might not make sense but I try so hard to make sure everybody in my life is happy that I tend to forget about my own hopes and dreams and desires. I have really needed some time with God to sort through some feelings and most of all forgive. I spent the day today letting go of some anger and unforgiveness and I realize that sometimes when we forget about ourselves we are being selfish to our God who desires us to be happy. We hold what we really want at an arm's length in order not to offend others or "cross the line". I think in my time of thinking about "selfishness" I realized that I have been super selfish to God. He has blessed me with so many gifts that I have put them on the back burner in order to keep other's happy. I tuck the desires of my heart deep down inside to where I don't even know what they are anymore....desires of my heart that I have had for many years. So, maybe I am not selfish in the worldly way but I have definitely been selfish in the spiritual realm. I don't give enough of my time to Him and I have stopped living for the desires He placed in my heart a long time ago.
I used to wake up every morning and have a Bible Study and spend my morning seeking Him and His guidance for the day. I used to be so happy and feel so blessed and lately I have realized that I spend more time trying to figure out why others aren't happy and trying to fix them and their misery. It has finally been revealed to me that I can't fix anybody and I cannot take the responsibility any longer for somebody else's unhappiness or inability to see the blessings they have in their own life. I can't. I have to keep my focus on Him and all I can do is pray for those around me who need an eye opener to what life really is about.
Life is beautiful and even though it is so hard sometimes..... even during the hard times we can reach out to our God and reach out to the people He has placed in our lives to help make this time on earth a better time. We have the ability to find the joy and peace in any situation, good and bad. We have the ability to balance the important things in our lives and not let the important people slip away. Yes, we should give and yes we should always put others first BUT not at the expense of losing ourselves and losing what God intended for US to be as individuals. That isn't what He means when He wants us to be selfless. I hope to move forward from this awakening but for now, I think I need some more time in prayer and focusing on the topic at hand. I need to figure out where I am leading my heart and if God is my guide for where I am leading it or if I am allowing other's lead it for me. I have spent too much time living in a dark place trying to fix somebody else's misery.
I finally have realized that it isn't ok for me to allow others to continue to hurt me because they are hurting inside. I do forgive but I will also guard my heart better. Sometimes people are not what they seem and it is a hard blow when your eyes are opened wide and you are hit with the truth. It is amazing how somebody can appear to be so amazing only to realize that they have their own selfish issues to work through and it is not something my anger or unforgiveness will ever fix for them. It is something they need to see on their own. Just like I did. I was once that selfish clueless person and I had to learn with the help of God who I really was and become who I really wanted to be.
So selfish, it isn't always about being selfish to the world or people around you.....sometimes it is being selfish to yourself. We have to love ourselves before we can love anybody else. I can no longer be selfish to my God or to myself. God wants balance in our lives and He certainly does not want us standing in the middle of other's anger and foolishness taking an emotional beating. I'm taking my life back and remembering who I am and who I have come so far to be. The pain isn't worth it anymore and it's simply not ok anymore.