I was lost. I was so totally and utterly lost that I had NO idea what I was doing to myself, other lost people, other people still on the fence or most importantly my walk with God. I was hurting myself more than what I would have been had I just been all in to a sinful world of unbelieving. Sounds harsh but it's true and scripture tells us this too:
"But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" Revelation 3:16
That scripture scares me but I didn't get it until a loving person in my small group at the time (yes, I was attending a small group in between my nights out bar and club hopping) pulled me to the side and said, "I'm saying this out of love because I know you want to be a vessel for Christ but I have to tell you, you're doing it wrong and I want you to read this scripture...." She then lovingly and with so much wisdom in her every word explained to me that this scripture was a warning to all of us and that this scripture alone tells us that it isn't enough to just say I love Him but I have to show it to Him every single day and I have to reach the lost and unloved by living a lifestyle that HONORS God. And then she broke it to me, I was not living a lifestyle that honored myself or the One who gave His only begotten Son for me. That evening shook my world. I had so many mixed emotions; hurt, anger, pain, resentment, bitterness, guilt, conviction, sadness.....and I finally hit my knees and asked for complete forgiveness and a complete surrender. I told God that I was SO sorry for all the lost people that I confused with my behavior, out at the bars and clubs one night then church the next. How I must have confused so many people or even worse......turned them away from the most beloved Father.
I spent many weeks not talking to anybody. I had so much to sort out in my mind, my heart and in my life. All of my friends lived the half in and half out lifestyle and didn't understand what I was trying to tell them when I started declining nights out. I would ask them to come over and watch a movie instead and would literally get laughed at. So, I knew I needed to make LOTS of drastic changes in my life, sadly even cutting off relationships with some people. But I had finally hit that sweet spot where I really understood and I finally GOT IT and I was willing to do anything and everything to please Him and be obedient. I needed to get my heart right and my lifestyle in good standing with Him.
I finally came to a place where I yielded my whole life to Him. I realized that when we truly have Christ upon our lives, our untamed and sinful natures are brought under His control. We no longer desire the things of the flesh above pleasing Him. My single loneliness would no longer trump my love for Him. I stopped going out, I stopped dating the wrong guys and started dating my beloved God. I fell in love with Him and started to dive into the Word so much that it was a part of my very being. I felt hungry and I had never felt that before. He was truly my best friend and the Father I respected and honored with every part of my life. I was no longer just His fan.
"Whoever loves pure thoughts and kind words will have even the King as a friend." Proverbs 22:11
If you are struggling with being one foot in and foot out, trust me, you are not ever too far gone for Him. Surrender it ALL to Him and be obedient to how He wants you to live. Will it be easy, nothing worth having ever is; you will probably lose some relationships, you will go through times of loneliness and the temptation will creep back in but you have to fight it. I would fight everything with the Word. I got lonely, I dove into my Bible and prayer. I started to feel left out from the big night out to celebrate someone's birthday, I dove into my Bible and prayer and celebrated my positive changes with my Father. Everything always went back to Him and that is the moment my whole life shifted. God started to really use me to minister to people, He started to give me vision of what my purpose was, He started to open doors to work in ministry and to love on others in a way that was so deep and meaningful. He finally trusted me to do His work.
Don't be just His fan. He wants SO much more for you and for your relationship with Him. We can't have true relationship with Him if we are hurting His heart every other weekend. Does He forgive us and love us even in that season, absolutely! But it doesn't mean He wants us to stay there! Time to surrender! Time to change! Time to stop being His fan and being His daughters and sons!